Wild Wednesday

Relax, I’m almost done with this impromptu days of the week post run.

It is the middle of the week and I’m sure you guys know how i feel about it. Wednesday’s are always weird for me… And long!!! I can’t forget long.

I woke up late, skipped breakfast, drank too much coffee and, now i sit waiting… Waiting on Wednesday.

The storm played a cool little trick… ” I’m gonna rumble rumble shoot a little lightning, sprinkle just enough to call off the park camp and then stop”.
So here i sit

Everyone cleans on Sunday’s but i’ve chosen Wednesday for this battle. 

My to-do list:

1. Clean
2. Mourn the death of my ex
3. Play a board game
4. Throw the football
5. Maybe work

Lost art

I don’t know who did this but i think I’m gonna redo. 

Fixing the ME inside of YOU

I sat in silent contemplation this evening on my enclosed porch because i needed clarity. I find myself in a place of wonder and am feeling a bit confused.

What is it that makes me feel so tied to this situation? why can’t i just walk away?

I believe it is what i see when i look at you. I think i see all of the parts of me that i try to keep hidden or masked. I see me in you and i would never give up on myself.

The problem with that is… You are not me… I shouldn’t feel so entertwined in this… I guess that is just a part of me I must relinquish.

Forgo my need to fix the parts of me that aren’t actually me and work on healing the me within…

It all starts from within
PEACE 

Dear Diary: You Write Like You Speak

Someone told me, a while ago, “you write like you speak”. I don’t believe this was meant to be a compliment nor was it meant to be a criticism.  Merely an observation? A tiny soundbite to make me think?

This comment popped into my thoughts after I had finished rambling on, in my mind, an observation of my own.

I had been on my back porch enjoying my morning coffee and examining the word love and how it has been used or not used throughout my 34 years of existence.

I attempted to recall my older sisters’ usage of the word and noted my younger brothers frequent conversational ending; “I Love you”. I accepted my own use of the word; multiple times throughout the day with my children and mostly in response to those residing outside my domain.

As I try to scrutinize how three people, who grew up in the same home, with the same parental figures, could have greatly varying practices of uttering this word, there it was… “You write like you speak”.

But why? How did that remark fit into this mental dialog? The fact that this comment lingers in my cranial filing system and has the wherewithal to spring forward, without being summoned, deserves some exploring.

Through all this black and white chatter, strangely, I am left with this thought; be mindful when speaking because words have sticking power.

Holiday Happiness.

I wonder is people get just as sad on holidays like Easter as they do on Christmas…

I have been through every holiday since the 4th of 2015 alone, as in: no adult counterpart, I have had my lovely little men to spend these occasions with and I think that plays a huge part in why I haven’t done very many destructive things.

This lack of adult counterpart thing is getting a little tiresome though. I sometimes wish that there were someone there to share the sense of Christmas accomplishment with. Someone to fall back in the bliss of finality to the joyful stresses of the season.

Now Easter has arrived and although this holiday is less of a stress, I still wish there were someone to breath a sigh of relief with.

I have placed that part of my life on hold and for now I wait to until my little monsters get home and we eat and share this holiday together as a family of 4.

Happy Easter

If love Was Art

If love was art, this is what I would imagine it would look like.

courtesy of The Mind Unleashed

This Happened to Come across my feed

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” – Carl Jung

The Mind Unleashed

Love Keyshia Cole=Mood

This song brings about feelings of bliss and happiness. Not directly related to anyone in particular but the concept of love and loving a significant other.

Because I am waiting

Rain Rain go Away!!

I am stuck in a rut. I have no idea why. I looked back on my week and have noticed that I really haven’t gotten a ton of things done. It’s raining outside and I am still in my pajamas. I skipped class today and haven’t done much in the way of way in the past two days.

Where did this stagnation come from? I haven’t the slightest idea. I can only assume that my soul needs the rest. In order to gain more “get up and go” I have been reading a lot of blogs composed by others.

I came across a post and I fell into it. Like really fell! I found myself so connected to that, if it hadn’t been for the very extensive vocabulary used and the seemingly perfect grammar, I would’ve thought I written it myself. This was my world. This is the relationship I was in. This Narcissist was MY narcissist! Here is a small clip:

Frankly, before a narcissist, I’ve not once in my life, felt. Neither have I ever been told by a psychologist that I had anything wrong with my mental health concerning relationships. I always had it “together”. I was resilient, mentally tough, and withstood many events in my life that would make others crumble.

If you haven’t read in a previous post, I am currently seeing a psychologist. I have been since one week before I sent my narcissist to the house of correction for his actions. The reason for seeking therapy is because I am studying to become a psychologist and you should see a psychologist if you’re becoming one because you will definitely need to process or debrief. My therapist has said these exact words to me.

I was resilient, mentally tough, and withstood many events in my life that would make others crumble.

My tagline says “I’ve been through it all. Don’t go it alone” and that is true! Life, death, love, loss. You name it, I’ve seen/experienced it!

Yet, when I unwittingly dated someone with this serious mental health malady, I wanted to slam an entire set of broken porcelain down his throat sideways and every obtuse moron that believes the garbage that comes out of his mouth. No, it’s not that I suddenly became a person interested in physical violence, I suddenly became a person who was witnessing a category all wrapped up into a physical being – who turned his mental health problems on me. I became a target of a person with a problem. They say, “Hurt people, HURT people”. I say, “Narcissistic People DESTROY PEOPLE”.

For a year in my life I felt all ten of these signs deeply, profoundly! So thank you Shahrazadastory for composing this beautiful piece reminding me of why I began this journey through my blog. For reminding me why I never give up on personal growth and self development! I encourage all people to head over and check out Ten Signs You Have Been Abused By A Narcissist

Sunday loving

Ahh Sunday, the day of relaxation. The one day of the week that we allow ourselves to ease out of work mode and into leisure mode. Usually we don’t really take ourselves away from business but today I did. I have been hanging out in my pajamas all day. The kids are with their dad this weekend and I have no work to do so I am doing nothing. I did some light cleaning and I’ll probably clean my car out but besides that nothing. No big dinner plan, pizza is on the menu!

I have, however, been thinking about my guy situation. No there is no boyfriend to speak of. But I have a weird collection of entertainment going on as of late. I have been thinking about how often I tell these guys I’m just not that into you, but they keep in contact. So let’s have a Sunday chat about Tom, Dick and Harry.

Tom, I met about 3 years ago. We “hung out” for the summer and that was cool. He has children as well and they are around the same ages as mine so it made it a little bit more fun for the summer. The kids hung out a lot and it was like a summer of party central. We decided that our relationship was not going to be a relationship at all and called it quits. I thought friendship would be okay, especially because the boys got along so well. He did not. He wanted more than a friendship and I just couldn’t take the constant talk about being intimate again. two years later I get a message trying to spark something, again I said not gonna happen. I have blocked any calls but can not block the messaging feature. Side note: He has a girlfriend now and just refuses to take no for an answer. He hasn’t contacted me in weeks because the last time he did, I told him I was willing only to be a couples counselor for him and his girlfriend!

Dick and I never actually met in person. We chatted for about two years online but I couldn’t get past the fact that he never spells anything correctly. I have told him repeatedly that I am not interested in ever meeting in person. He says if I ever change my mind, to call him. Umm No Thanks!! He now has a girlfriend and is back to contacting me. I have been asking him why he keeps contacting me and that he should respect his girlfriend more, and respect my wishes. He Facebook messages me good morning and a variety of other things to which I keep telling him the same thing about respect. I’ve been kind about it but he wouldn’t stop, that is until his girlfriend found out. I was relieved to not have communication and then last night I get a message from a number I did not know. It was him! He created a number online just to contact me. I want to tell his girlfriend but I don’t want the added drama. I will just let the messages rack up unanswered.

Harry and I have been talking for a couple of months. JUST A COUPLE OF MONTHS and he asked me to marry him??? He says how much he is in love with me and wants me to be his wife! WHAT??? He doesn’t even know my last name, middle name, kids names, nothing. How the heck?

My problem is where did these guy come from? I am so curious about their upbringing and past relationships. I want to know all about their relationships with their parents. I want to know where this need to rush came from with Harry. I want to know why Dick and Tom have zero respect for the girlfriends, and moreover, why they tell their girlfriends that they love them yet contact other women. I think my curiosity is what is holding me back. It’s the psychologist in me.