Dear Diary: You Write Like You Speak

Someone told me, a while ago, “you write like you speak”. I don’t believe this was meant to be a compliment nor was it meant to be a criticism.  Merely an observation? A tiny soundbite to make me think?

This comment popped into my thoughts after I had finished rambling on, in my mind, an observation of my own.

I had been on my back porch enjoying my morning coffee and examining the word love and how it has been used or not used throughout my 34 years of existence.

I attempted to recall my older sisters’ usage of the word and noted my younger brothers frequent conversational ending; “I Love you”. I accepted my own use of the word; multiple times throughout the day with my children and mostly in response to those residing outside my domain.

As I try to scrutinize how three people, who grew up in the same home, with the same parental figures, could have greatly varying practices of uttering this word, there it was… “You write like you speak”.

But why? How did that remark fit into this mental dialog? The fact that this comment lingers in my cranial filing system and has the wherewithal to spring forward, without being summoned, deserves some exploring.

Through all this black and white chatter, strangely, I am left with this thought; be mindful when speaking because words have sticking power.

Hello Everyone. I hope you missed me.

I am back! I had no choice, to be honest. What I am feeling cannot be consolidated into 140 characters. There is not a single photo that could even begin to capture my feelings. The Facebook post would most certainly fall on deaf ears.

I am having a problem.

I know there are a lot of you out in the world wide web have been in relationships, maybe more than one. I have been in 3. I was with my ex-husband from the time I was 18 until 28ish. The man that followed turned my world upside down. The man that followed that opened my eyes to the evil in the world.

My ex-husband is my ex-husband, we grew up together and face challenges on co-parenting and had been friends throughout this world.

The man that I met following the end of my marriage healed me. He truly opened my eyes to MY worth and made me stronger. He wasn’t supposed to be a 2-year thing; he was supposed to be a get back out there! because in 10 years, you kind of forget that the world exists beyond your family life.  This man was basically intensive therapy and he squashed a lot of anger and hate I had carried around the world with me. He showed me that when it came down to it, I could look beyond that pain and find light. You wouldn’t look at him and say; “yup, this guy will change you for the better”. He basically helped me find myself.

Then there was this. I had not had bad experiences in relationships, sadness sure, but nothing that would make me closed off and guarded going into future relationships. This one came out of nowhere and I believe will follow me around for the rest of my days. I believe this last thing has made me guarded and I feel as though I can never be open with another person ever again. I allowed someone into my world. This person is now known (to me) to have an undiagnosed mental illness. He has thrown my life into chaos and I find myself constantly trying to block attacks. He has threatened to make calls to child protective services, he has threatened to call my contractors, he has threatened to file monetary suit against me. All of these things can and will be batted down instantaneously but how does someone get it into their mind to try to destroy an entire family because they are angry that a relationship won’t work out? He went on a rampage that landed him in the hospital and placed in a mental institution of some sort because he thinks I went out of my way to purchase an iPhone to create accounts on the internet to mess with his head. Who has that much time? Not me! I have 3 kids, work with 3 companies and am taking 2 courses towards my degree. He thinks I was up all night tweeting him and that I had multiple google accounts in an effort to drive him crazy. He sent photos of Caucasian males and females saying it was me. He has directed me to twitter accounts that mass tweet things that are generally relate-able. He sent me a photo of a pair of male sneakers and said that was my house because the was in the background was eggshell in color.

I fight against the need to shelter myself from all things people but if you think about what is the point really? You start off as strangers and you find something that makes the person interesting. You begin to develop a bond with this person that you think you know. Now comes the sharing of information, information that you wouldn’t post as a status update and maybe even information that you wouldn’t even tell your blood relatives. Then things may become rocky. This is not only with “partner” relationships, this could be the case with any relationship. Now you’re like “why did I ever tell that person things that could be used to hurt me?” That’s where I am right now, like I wish I never met him at all! I let him in my home, he met my children, at one point I trusted this person with my freaking debit cards and checkbooks. And then I had to buy a safe. I had to count all the devises in my home. I had to shelter my kids from violence and then finally protect myself.

I was in the clear! I was free and then made the horrible decision of believing change had occurred. Unfortunately, I was just restarting the cycle. The moment that I saw this to be true, I managed to free myself once again. He flew south but I believed he would find help. This was not the case. After deciding a friendship would be the only relationship we had, the cycle continued. This time a little different. Now that I have finally stated clearly so that it’s completely understood, that I no longer wished to have any contact, I am getting threats. Threats to mess with my family, threats to mess with my business, threats to mess with my finances.

I have reached my limit with crazy. I had agreed that I would not seek legal assistance if he would simply leave me alone, but I don’t think he has. So I don’t think I can.

I just don’t understand how someone can actively choose to attempt to dismantle someones life just because they have hurt feelings. Seriously.

As it relates to “the Fixer”

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It’s this very much a light bulb moment?

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Here’s to finding yourself again my fixer friends. Find the complete story on the Earth Child’s Site

 

Opportunity costs…. Rambling

I have been on this ride for quite some time. I think that I have some major self reflection to embark on. This requires a glass of wine and a silent mind.

12573007_752320694903769_8443451220696119412_nThis is so true! No one every really thinks about the everlasting effects of the words they utter to someone. It isn’t until that person has felt the true burn of the truth, that they will, hopefully, recognize what it is that they actually do to others.

 

You see…. Everything has a cost. This cost is not always based on the $.. Sometimes this cost is a little bit harder to see. You are charged by the word when you speak…

The goal (especially when you are speaking and surrounded by negative energy) is to decide, in that moment, if the cost is something you would be willing to pay, knowing full well that they words are non-refundable.

I could run a list of words down for you that have a negative impact on others but I’m sure, at some point or another, you have heard or spoken a word or two.

This ramble come direct from a place of sadness, worry, and anger and frustration.

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If love Was Art

If love was art, this is what I would imagine it would look like.
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courtesy of The Mind Unleashed

Day 8: Boys Will Be Boys

Since I have been talking to Him, I have been not talking to others on a more than friendship level. I have broken it to my chat buddies that it is just not going to be anything more than friendship.  The other day, a bunch of people came out of the woodwork and I spent a large portion of the day explaining that it was a false milkshake.

And then there is tonight.

This fella, I stopped talking to a little bit ago. Not solely because of Him, but also because I really can’t do the constant deciphering of his messages. Find out more in Sorry, not Sorry. He starts with…”Hi, how are you?” to which I reply… “Fine, you?” and it went downhill from there.

He asked me why I no longer wanted to pursue things, if it was him or just the lack of communication. I told him that it was neither.

We didn’t lack communication, I didn’t understand his variation of communication. I didn’t say that part though because I didn’t was to hurt his feelings…

I just said that we were in different places and then text a bunch of huge words that were probably  out of context but I knew he would have to google at lot and therefore would just give up. If you have not read Sorry, not Sorry then you should! You will have a better understanding.

He said that he didn’t get it. We are in different places but opposites attract and if we were in the same place it would be a dull relationship… I giggled a little and then sent this:

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I thought that this would completely end the subject, I mean after all, he was the same guy that said “nuff wit the big words”. But no… wp-1452310676893.jpeg

You got it! Science sucks!!! Wait… What??? Love?? ummm….

I went on about chemical reactions and a whole bunch of stuff I could create.. But ended it with “we can still be friends” and then there was this..wp-1452310683492.jpeg

Oh boy…

Know your worth

Your thought?

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