HELP

They never tell you how incredibly difficult it is to raise children. You see all the new moms in the world with their bouncing bundles of joy all smiling and laughing and aging the babies in months for the first 3 years of their lives. I am a mother of 3 boys and finally I am ready to remove that mask of “happy ass parenting” and be bold enough to tell the truth.

My oldest child(10) is probably the most sensitive kid I have ever met. He is just like me in that way. I falling leaf in early June means the leaf didn’t live a full life and therefore my heart is broken. I remember his first day of 4th grade. I picked them up from school and he had the saddest look in his eyes. I asked him what was wrong and he broke out in full-blown tears. It took everything I had not to cry with him. When I finally got him calm enough to understand his day one sorrows, he tells me that a friend didn’t say hi back to him and he doesn’t understand why. “I just miss the old Tiana”, HUH??? My kid had suffered his first heartbreak at the age of 8(almost 9). I had no clue what to do. I don’t even remember if I had a crush at that age. They don’t tell you that in the baby books.

My middle child (Twin 1 also known as Baby A) was diagnosed with PDD-NOS and I still don’t know how to help him really. I feel like every medical professional expects you to know what that means and how to help. It took years to even see someone regarding his slow development and when we finally got some assistance, the specialist was like…”I am leaning towards Asperger’s….. Nope PDD…..Okay have a good life”. Well my son is now acting out, aggressively, towards himself. He gets really angry when he feels like he doesn’t know something and hits himself. I have no clue how to help here either. I have an appointment with the specialist but it isn’t until November so until them we, the family as a whole, are in “don’t let him get upset” mode.

My youngest (Twin 2 also known as Baby B) has decided that lying is the only way to go. No matter what it is…. I have been trying to explain to him that lying gets him grounded but he has yet to really care about being grounded because he loves to read and when you’re grounded that is your only option.

So you see, on top of working and school, these kids created crazytown. They are definitely not 36 month old bundles of laughs and smiles. It kind of makes me feel like I am currently undertaking 3 majors and I need a tutor.

Child of domestic violence survivor

Source: Child of domestic violence survivor

Rain Rain go Away!!

I am stuck in a rut. I have no idea why. I looked back on my week and have noticed that I really haven’t gotten a ton of things done. It’s raining outside and I am still in my pajamas. I skipped class today and haven’t done much in the way of way in the past two days.

Where did this stagnation come from? I haven’t the slightest idea. I can only assume that my soul needs the rest. In order to gain more “get up and go” I have been reading a lot of blogs composed by others.

I came across a post and I fell into it. Like really fell! I found myself so connected to that, if it hadn’t been for the very extensive vocabulary used and the seemingly perfect grammar, I would’ve thought I written it myself. This was my world. This is the relationship I was in. This Narcissist was MY narcissist! Here is a small clip:

Frankly, before a narcissist, I’ve not once in my life, felt. Neither have I ever been told by a psychologist that I had anything wrong with my mental health concerning relationships. I always had it “together”. I was resilient, mentally tough, and withstood many events in my life that would make others crumble.

If you haven’t read in a previous post, I am currently seeing a psychologist. I have been since one week before I sent my narcissist to the house of correction for his actions. The reason for seeking therapy is because I am studying to become a psychologist and you should see a psychologist if you’re becoming one because you will definitely need to process or debrief. My therapist has said these exact words to me.

I was resilient, mentally tough, and withstood many events in my life that would make others crumble.

My tagline says “I’ve been through it all. Don’t go it alone” and that is true! Life, death, love, loss. You name it, I’ve seen/experienced it!

Yet, when I unwittingly dated someone with this serious mental health malady, I wanted to slam an entire set of broken porcelain down his throat sideways and every obtuse moron that believes the garbage that comes out of his mouth. No, it’s not that I suddenly became a person interested in physical violence, I suddenly became a person who was witnessing a category all wrapped up into a physical being – who turned his mental health problems on me. I became a target of a person with a problem. They say, “Hurt people, HURT people”. I say, “Narcissistic People DESTROY PEOPLE”.

For a year in my life I felt all ten of these signs deeply, profoundly! So thank you Shahrazadastory for composing this beautiful piece reminding me of why I began this journey through my blog. For reminding me why I never give up on personal growth and self development! I encourage all people to head over and check out Ten Signs You Have Been Abused By A Narcissist

How long will it take to heal?

This was touching. This is probably the single most important yet unanswered question that exists in the world regarding feelings of pain and suffering. You always ask yourself how long it will take until you are able to breath.

Take the death of my father and sister, when I was just 8 years old. I have still not “healed” even 24 years later. In this circumstance thing only thing that you can do is to understand that the pain never really goes away. The loss stays forever in you heart, you are just able, one day, to breath. You’ll still have moments of unrelenting sorrow and grief, but you can move forward in the living.

So I guess the better question is; in some circumstances, does one ever really heal?

Source: How long will it take to heal?

A Real Picture of my Ultrasound!!! Not mine… Hers!!!

Stumbling around the internet and found this gem. I laughed a little. Babies know when enough is enough. We lose that as we age unfortunately.

Seeing an ultrasound makes me think of my “childbearing” years and how I am quickly approaching my personally set cutoff time.

I have been sensing the baby fever for a couple of years now, and my children are not getting any younger. There is nope hope for me with this though, did you read that last post I did about the guys that are currently in my sphere? Not looking good for this momma.

Source: A Real Picture of my Ultrasound!!!

Inspiration for the masses

On a daily basis, try to inspire good actions in others.

Word to the Wise

Today I did not speak (besides to the obvious) I stayed off of social media platforms and I kept to myself. It was refreshing to not speak.

Winding it down, as this Sunday comes to a close

I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o’er vales of hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze

 
Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

 
The waves beside them danced, but they
Outdid the sparkling waves in glee;
A poet could not be gay,
In such a jocund company;
I gazed—and gazed—but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

 
For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or I pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

`William Wordsworth–1807

Sunday loving

Ahh Sunday, the day of relaxation. The one day of the week that we allow ourselves to ease out of work mode and into leisure mode. Usually we don’t really take ourselves away from business but today I did. I have been hanging out in my pajamas all day. The kids are with their dad this weekend and I have no work to do so I am doing nothing. I did some light cleaning and I’ll probably clean my car out but besides that nothing. No big dinner plan, pizza is on the menu!

I have, however, been thinking about my guy situation. No there is no boyfriend to speak of. But I have a weird collection of entertainment going on as of late. I have been thinking about how often I tell these guys I’m just not that into you, but they keep in contact. So let’s have a Sunday chat about Tom, Dick and Harry.

Tom, I met about 3 years ago. We “hung out” for the summer and that was cool. He has children as well and they are around the same ages as mine so it made it a little bit more fun for the summer. The kids hung out a lot and it was like a summer of party central. We decided that our relationship was not going to be a relationship at all and called it quits. I thought friendship would be okay, especially because the boys got along so well. He did not. He wanted more than a friendship and I just couldn’t take the constant talk about being intimate again. two years later I get a message trying to spark something, again I said not gonna happen. I have blocked any calls but can not block the messaging feature. Side note: He has a girlfriend now and just refuses to take no for an answer. He hasn’t contacted me in weeks because the last time he did, I told him I was willing only to be a couples counselor for him and his girlfriend!

Dick and I never actually met in person. We chatted for about two years online but I couldn’t get past the fact that he never spells anything correctly. I have told him repeatedly that I am not interested in ever meeting in person. He says if I ever change my mind, to call him. Umm No Thanks!! He now has a girlfriend and is back to contacting me. I have been asking him why he keeps contacting me and that he should respect his girlfriend more, and respect my wishes. He Facebook messages me good morning and a variety of other things to which I keep telling him the same thing about respect. I’ve been kind about it but he wouldn’t stop, that is until his girlfriend found out. I was relieved to not have communication and then last night I get a message from a number I did not know. It was him! He created a number online just to contact me. I want to tell his girlfriend but I don’t want the added drama. I will just let the messages rack up unanswered.

Harry and I have been talking for a couple of months. JUST A COUPLE OF MONTHS and he asked me to marry him??? He says how much he is in love with me and wants me to be his wife! WHAT??? He doesn’t even know my last name, middle name, kids names, nothing. How the heck?

My problem is where did these guy come from? I am so curious about their upbringing and past relationships. I want to know all about their relationships with their parents. I want to know where this need to rush came from with Harry. I want to know why Dick and Tom have zero respect for the girlfriends, and moreover, why they tell their girlfriends that they love them yet contact other women. I think my curiosity is what is holding me back. It’s the psychologist in me.

New Hat for me I guess

I definitely need a glass of wine and Netflix now. Took and passed my first test “Diagram Components”

The problem I have found with supporting myself with 1099 work is that I usually jump right into a new field. have been doing the field inspection and loss mitigation thing for a little bit but I just added home insurance surveys (different company). Who’d have guessed I’d need to know so much about a house. At this moment I can tell you all about the 5 different foundation types(plus the no foundation/overhang), the 5 different garage types, as well as what classifies as a bi-level and tri-level. Wanna know how many attached structures to your home? haha didn’t think so. oh and did you know that (what I have been calling duplex) is called a townhouse and/or a row house and the difference between those two are; row houses were built before 1940 and typically have flat roofs and townhouses began after 1940 mostly in the 80’s and have pitched roofs?

RowHouse

Many hats people, many freaking hats