Dear Diary: You Write Like You Speak

Someone told me, a while ago, “you write like you speak”. I don’t believe this was meant to be a compliment nor was it meant to be a criticism.  Merely an observation? A tiny soundbite to make me think?

This comment popped into my thoughts after I had finished rambling on, in my mind, an observation of my own.

I had been on my back porch enjoying my morning coffee and examining the word love and how it has been used or not used throughout my 34 years of existence.

I attempted to recall my older sisters’ usage of the word and noted my younger brothers frequent conversational ending; “I Love you”. I accepted my own use of the word; multiple times throughout the day with my children and mostly in response to those residing outside my domain.

As I try to scrutinize how three people, who grew up in the same home, with the same parental figures, could have greatly varying practices of uttering this word, there it was… “You write like you speak”.

But why? How did that remark fit into this mental dialog? The fact that this comment lingers in my cranial filing system and has the wherewithal to spring forward, without being summoned, deserves some exploring.

Through all this black and white chatter, strangely, I am left with this thought; be mindful when speaking because words have sticking power.

Hello Everyone. I hope you missed me.

I am back! I had no choice, to be honest. What I am feeling cannot be consolidated into 140 characters. There is not a single photo that could even begin to capture my feelings. The Facebook post would most certainly fall on deaf ears.

I am having a problem.

I know there are a lot of you out in the world wide web have been in relationships, maybe more than one. I have been in 3. I was with my ex-husband from the time I was 18 until 28ish. The man that followed turned my world upside down. The man that followed that opened my eyes to the evil in the world.

My ex-husband is my ex-husband, we grew up together and face challenges on co-parenting and had been friends throughout this world.

The man that I met following the end of my marriage healed me. He truly opened my eyes to MY worth and made me stronger. He wasn’t supposed to be a 2-year thing; he was supposed to be a get back out there! because in 10 years, you kind of forget that the world exists beyond your family life.  This man was basically intensive therapy and he squashed a lot of anger and hate I had carried around the world with me. He showed me that when it came down to it, I could look beyond that pain and find light. You wouldn’t look at him and say; “yup, this guy will change you for the better”. He basically helped me find myself.

Then there was this. I had not had bad experiences in relationships, sadness sure, but nothing that would make me closed off and guarded going into future relationships. This one came out of nowhere and I believe will follow me around for the rest of my days. I believe this last thing has made me guarded and I feel as though I can never be open with another person ever again. I allowed someone into my world. This person is now known (to me) to have an undiagnosed mental illness. He has thrown my life into chaos and I find myself constantly trying to block attacks. He has threatened to make calls to child protective services, he has threatened to call my contractors, he has threatened to file monetary suit against me. All of these things can and will be batted down instantaneously but how does someone get it into their mind to try to destroy an entire family because they are angry that a relationship won’t work out? He went on a rampage that landed him in the hospital and placed in a mental institution of some sort because he thinks I went out of my way to purchase an iPhone to create accounts on the internet to mess with his head. Who has that much time? Not me! I have 3 kids, work with 3 companies and am taking 2 courses towards my degree. He thinks I was up all night tweeting him and that I had multiple google accounts in an effort to drive him crazy. He sent photos of Caucasian males and females saying it was me. He has directed me to twitter accounts that mass tweet things that are generally relate-able. He sent me a photo of a pair of male sneakers and said that was my house because the was in the background was eggshell in color.

I fight against the need to shelter myself from all things people but if you think about what is the point really? You start off as strangers and you find something that makes the person interesting. You begin to develop a bond with this person that you think you know. Now comes the sharing of information, information that you wouldn’t post as a status update and maybe even information that you wouldn’t even tell your blood relatives. Then things may become rocky. This is not only with “partner” relationships, this could be the case with any relationship. Now you’re like “why did I ever tell that person things that could be used to hurt me?” That’s where I am right now, like I wish I never met him at all! I let him in my home, he met my children, at one point I trusted this person with my freaking debit cards and checkbooks. And then I had to buy a safe. I had to count all the devises in my home. I had to shelter my kids from violence and then finally protect myself.

I was in the clear! I was free and then made the horrible decision of believing change had occurred. Unfortunately, I was just restarting the cycle. The moment that I saw this to be true, I managed to free myself once again. He flew south but I believed he would find help. This was not the case. After deciding a friendship would be the only relationship we had, the cycle continued. This time a little different. Now that I have finally stated clearly so that it’s completely understood, that I no longer wished to have any contact, I am getting threats. Threats to mess with my family, threats to mess with my business, threats to mess with my finances.

I have reached my limit with crazy. I had agreed that I would not seek legal assistance if he would simply leave me alone, but I don’t think he has. So I don’t think I can.

I just don’t understand how someone can actively choose to attempt to dismantle someones life just because they have hurt feelings. Seriously.

I like to pretend

I like to pretend that everything is A-Okay. I like to pretend that my life is a cake walk and that things are easy breezy. This is not actually the case.

Let’s take a look into my life, shall we?

I am a full time mother of three rapidly growing boys. They are my driving force and reason for being. They bring my joy and heartache(when they are sad) and frustration when I feel like they just would rather not listen to me. It is hard as hell being a parent and it definitely doesn’t come with a rule book or blueprint. It is even harder when you are going through it mostly alone. But on the other side of the coin, I have been able to forge this unbreakable bond with these fellas that I hope will prove beneficial when they hit that “mom get out” age in life. I hope that we will continue to have open lines of communication and that they never feel like they’re missing anything when it comes to mother son relationship.

I am a full time student. I have been on this fairly exhausting journey as far as schooling is concerned. Although I only take two courses at a time, these courses have me constantly writing reading analyzing and composing. If you are a full time college student, you know what I mean. This is a whole life situation all on it’s own.

I work full time. I don’t just punch in, do my job and, go home. I have to actively seek contracts that fit my needs as far as flexibility and pay. I have to make sure that I leave a good impression at all times so that I can constantly receive contracts with companies. I have to actually do the work and sometimes this is a full day affair! Some field work has me on the road for hours and then the office piece is just as long, if not longer.

I try to make a presence on life in some sort of full time capacity and we all know how hard that can be.

Three full time things and a possible (Spades).. phew. I am tired

If you tried to add all of the man hours up and see how much time I actually spend parenting, learning, working and, blogging, tweeting, Instagraming and, Facebooking then you my friend are a brave soul! If you actually garnered a figure from all of this then you are a mathematician!  AND finally, if you have managed to find some “me time” in this equation then I really need your number because we need to talk!

I didn’t decide this! Today’s round table discussion

We sit at the table for every meal. That is the one thing that will always be. Having dinner as a family allows for better bonds and gives us a chance to catch up. Now, at this point in their lives they are not at the age where we actually need the “catch-up” time but it’s better to keep the habit than to try to forge it in the future.

Tonight at the round table the discussion centered on what they thought they had for concrete memories from their infancy.

Baby B says he certainly remembers a white gate surrounding him and his maternal grandmother holding him.

Baby A had no input.

Single Birth kid remembers the baby gate and me leaving him there. He was brought to tears when he tried to explain that he remembers me leaving him in the gated area and that he did not want to leave me at that time. He stopped there, apparently this was a very painful memory.

I explained to them that the gate was there because having three kids in diapers running around is not only chaotic but also dangerous. They would run around the house and attempt to pull everything down that was above their eye-line and within their reach. After all, someone had to cook dinner.

I was asked by Baby B why I chose him to be born last and I could hardly hold back the laughter. I tried to explain to him how when the doctors found the two heart beats and the two sacks and double everything, they had to label them A and B so that they could track the growth and development. He questioned why they didn’t take him out first anyhow just so he could be born first. I was lost for explanation but reiterated the labeling process and how it was just normal to remove A before B.. Alphabetical order!

I then retreated to the living room and opened the wall safe so that they could see and hold their certificate of live birth. This was when things got funny. They are reading and chatting about every bit of information on the forms. They are shocked that the doctors spelled their names right (they have a problem in school with correct spelling) I explained that this was the first time their names were spelled for them and the data clerks just put in the information that I filled out.

And then a screech!

MOM WHAT IS THIS?!?! I WE HAVE BEEN CELEBRATING MY BIRTHDAY ON JULY 2ND BUT THIS SAYS JULY 3RD!!!

HAHAA oh kid.. that’s just the day they entered/received the information for the certificate. Boy was he traumatized for like a minute. But could you imagine?!? Sometimes I think my birth year is off by one year!

Real story for you. I was up at my uncles house visiting with my aunt and my other uncle said something about birthdays and my mother said his to which he replied with a different date. She said she thought his BD was XX time and he said… So did I! but then I found out it was XX instead! OMG I would just flip.

Finally getting to the helping

After going through a lot of healing I am finally able to begin the helping part. I feel like I am definitely making some good steps towards being the “success coach” I know that I can be. I think that I will work magic in the mental health field and be able to assist people with going through life’s daily stresses.

I like to be of assistance whenever possible and help to navigate tough times and even be there just to talk if that’s all that is needed.

Let’s see… I have been enjoying the new step of volunteering  as a court appointed child advocate. I have to admit that upon beginning the training, I was intimidated by the people that were also there to volunteer. At first, I thought, OMG I’m so not as progressed through life as these people are! I was sitting in the room with a former police officer, a published author, a social worker, and an attorney to name a few. Then I thought to myself, why the heck are you intimidated? Everyone here has valuable and unique experiences to offer, including YOU! and just like that, I broke through that ceiling I had placed on myself and am now meshing very well and plan to keep these people in my life as an asset.

I was contacted by someone who needed some assistance in finding employment and was able to produce some really, really, outstanding opportunities for said individual. I am not sure that they will move forward with the opportunities and I have my suspicious as to why, but once they remove the limiting beliefs that they hold, they will find that, although those prospects sound intimidating, if you have the experience and the history, you should at least try.

While I was scrounging around for those job prospects, I came across another that I found a perfect match for someone else who had mentioned they were looking for a more suitable position. I forwarded that information to them and we will see if they “drink” (you can lead a horse to water)

I have been, for about a week now, trying to nail down some assistance programs for someone that is all the way in Florida! I found quite a few resources for this individual… See I even work at a distance 🙂

As it relates to “the Fixer”

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It’s this very much a light bulb moment?

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Here’s to finding yourself again my fixer friends. Find the complete story on the Earth Child’s Site

 

Wait a minute… I have a joke for you

So… A lawyer, a cop, and a social worker walk into a meeting room….

HaHa right??

Yes! that was my shock tonight at the first day of training for the Court Appointed Special Advocate Project.

I thought that I would be in a room of people that had no clue about many things and we would all learn this task together and become one and help the world. This was not the case. We were tasked with pairing up with the person next to us, conducting an interview and then introducing them to the rest of the class. Of course you all know that I have a wonderful fear of public speaking, but as I addressed the other day, I needed to find the source of the fear and kill it dead… I paired up with my neighbor who we shall call Bertha, for the time being. She is an older lady who has been married forever and was a technical writer with a BA in English and a MBA in something else. She is a retired lady who volunteer with a prison program. She was to my left.

To my right was a former police officer that did some work within the prison community. To her right was a social worker that is trying to get back into the field. To her right was a teacher of teachers, lol, for special needs persons. To her right was a lady that I didn’t really get too much information on because I was distracted by her Donald Trump pin. To her right was a attorney who is married to an attorney!

So can you see how I would be a little intimidated. All of these ladies (except for Trump lady) live in the more….. Expensive???? towns and here I sat. The sole minority from the city who grew up with kids who have been through the system. I have experienced, probably, a good majority, of what we will be dealing with. I have a super undergrad (I think they call that some college) and I and working on finishing my undergrad right now. I was, admittedly, intimidated but I feel like I held my own.

Here, let me distract you with my quick whit and Associate’s while I obtain this Bachelor degree.