The battle continues

Life. It should be fluid.

I swear I’m going through a midlife crisis. I feel like I’m too young for that, but I have no other way to describe the constant changes that I am creating. I have to try hard not to allow myself to succumb to the stress because, I am creating these stresses myself.

I just registered for classes for the summer. I have decided to put an end to my whimsical massage thoughts and come full circle to where I had originally began.

Here is my life/educational path;

I was in the process of getting a divorce when I decided to further my education and forge some career my children could be proud of and that I could enjoy. I wanted to be a counselor. Didn’t matter what type of counseling I chose because I can relate well with just about anyone from infant to elderly to addicts just looking for some sort of support. I thought that I would love to freelance my counseling services so I had better get a business degree. I don’t really know how or when medical office buried itself into my head, but somewhere during my business adventure, I switched over to medical office. That change, I regretted almost immediately.I moved on to Criminal Justice, which I fell in love with, and dove deep into policing. Now I have crossed the barrier to oldsville and am unable to reach that dream and thought i would possibly enjoy the world of massage therapy. Never once did I think I would be forced to undress in school . I can’t find myself getting comfortable doing that so I am about to bow out. Now what? Back to the beginning, Human Services. I start on the 6th.

I am going to take this midlife crisis by the horns and get through it gracefully

Nodus Tollens

Nodus Tollens -The realization that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore… The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

Thank you Facebook friend. This list of 23 emotions that people feel but can’t explain was pretty cool to read. I checked out the website a little but haven’t watched any of the videos yet. I am also not sure if the definition is factual. I guess that means that I haven’t really done my research but hey, I forgive myself and so should you. I have had way to many things on my mind and way too many things added to my already full plate.

Nodus Tollens-

I planned to be a cop, a member of any of the “letter” groups. If all else failed, I’d join the military. I wanted to do some sort of policing. Post policing I would become a private investigator. None of this is the case anymore and that is a total change. I do not think that anyone really understands how dramatic of a change that this is for me, let alone care. I guess if I really wanted to I could move to a state that doesn’t require that you have police training or intern under a PI. hmm… Food for thought.

Salter Is Not The Way to Go

Haven’t been around in a couple days but that’s because I am furious with how things are going and I wanted to take time to sort through all of my feelings and emotions regarding this current situation.

I am sure you remember, I left my awesome paying 40 hour a week job with Mars because I wanted to become a massage therapist. I want to work for myself, and their night program was 90 weeks versus the 45 week day program. I planned on several things,

  1. Financial aid: I planned to take out a couple of loans to not only pay for the courses and books but I also expressed to the financial aid adviser that I wanted to use the excess to carry me through the 45 weeks while I worked part time and have three children. We had a “guest” speaker towards the end of “college survival skills” class from the financial aid lady and I went to talk to her privately about disbursements and things of that nature. She told me that Salter packages their courses to use ALL of the aid that you’ve been granted and all of the loans that you’ve applied for. Sounds like I’m pretty screwed but I will manage to find a way around that at some point.
  2. schedule: First off, I got thrown into Medical terminology for one of my first classes of this process. I didn’t mind that because I leave book work very well and was able to catch on quick to the concepts. This “Mod” they threw me into a “hands-on” class with four others that have been doing this for a while. They know terms and techniques that are very foreign to me and It really pisses me off that I wasn’t in a class that would teach me that stuff. Hands-on goes at the end of a program not in the beginning. How do I practice something I haven’t learned. Not only is it detrimental to my learning, but it is also going to hold back that FOUR ladies that have been there and done that!
  3. Transparency: NOT ONE TIME DURING THE REGISTRATION, EXPLANATION, OR GENERALLY SIGNING OF A CONTRACT TO PAY TENS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS DID ANYONE AT ALL EVER, TELL ME THAT AT SOME POINT IN THIS PROGRAM, I WOULD HAVE TO TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF AND ALLOWING OTHERS TO TOUCH MY BODY. I AM NOT SURE THAT I FEEL VERY COMFORTABLE WITH THAT AT ALL. LET ALONE WEEK SIX!!!

I hate that I feel so out of place with this schooling. I will definitely want to see a complete breakdown of the course and fees as well as a complete course outline and prerequisites. I don’t like being set up to fail. I haven’t even gotten the uniform pants that I paid for. Tomorrow I wear jeans.

Swollen feet, deflated heart… let’s switch those

Here I sit. The dreaded waiting room of an urgent care because my ankle is the size of a softball and my foot and calf have doubled in size. I didn’t do anything to cause this, to the best of my knowledge, just starting going on Friday and now I must be seen. I try to stay off of it as much as possible but there is always a ton of things that need to be done. For instance, I get to go home and clean from top to bottom regardless of what I’m told here. If not me than who?
There is so much on my mind that I feel like my brain is going to explode. I desperately need to have a drink with my friend because it’s so overdue. I had made a decision to stop drinking in support of another but that has gone out the window, over the cliff and into the jagged rocks. I am at a loss.
I feel like I’ve said that once before and it makes me wonder where I’m actually headed if I keep getting lost. Am I on the right path? Headed in the right direction at least? Who knows.
Yesterday marked I one year anniversary for me. I spent the evening of this anniversary giddy as a school girl and I think I was sorely disappointed with the lack of reciprocation. What was it all for if there is a lack of excited in making it through what most others could never or would never? I don’t know. I guess another change is perspective is possible.
I guess, if I’m being as vague as possible, I, as a person, have been trying all my life to work on commanding respect and I feel like I’m failing or falling short in the most basic way. If you can’t get the people closet to you to respect you, can you really expect to be able to project a presence in the world?

5 weeks down 40 weeks to go

The mod is finally over.

It has been a long yet fast first five weeks but it is finally done. I took two finals today for the classes that I had this mod. The first final resulted in a freaking 120! She told us, one Tuesday, that we would have a bonus question on the final worth 20 points and I guess I nailed it. The second final resulted in a 96! I’m totally thrilled that I set this career change in the right direction and that what makes it so hard.

I have been facing roadblock after road block since I made the decision to leave my great paying full time job for school. I am scraping by at least with the help of him. I feel like we are in a great place even through all this struggle. I think we have finally figured out that choosing our battles is the best option, not everything has to be a war.

Tomorrow I am going to actually to do the Uber thing so that I may assist in keeping this expensive ass life afloat.

Enough is Enough

I think I found my breaking point and I am more than grateful for that. I have finally gotten fed up with the “words”. I am completely stressed out and overwhelmed in general and I just got the “F-U I don’t need to take this” mentality. I have gotten tired of constantly asking others to fulfill their obligations. So as it stands, I am moving forward and with a better mentality.

What do you do when the 3rd floor doesn’t exist in a 6 story building? You Leave!

I can hardly stand the amount of craziness that surrounds me in this creepy creepy place! Today I came in to work and all of the weird things that I thought had passed, had resurfaced. Banging in the room 104, People that are just nuts, weird weird folks. Even one with a personal assistant!

Back to the meat and potatoes I guess. So I’m doing my preliminary walk of theĀ area and when I reached the dreaded lodge, I saw a pink polka dot balloon on the floor. I left the balloon on the ground because I figured whichever little girl happened to have dropped it, would surely want to come back for it at some point. I walked the lodge and kept it moving. I went up the elevator to the sixth floor, as I usually do, and began checking doors for locked status. I get down to the thrid floor and low and behold there was that freaking balloon

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I immediately turned my butt around and headed back to the stairs, the third floor will not be walked today! Or so I thought, hoped and, dreamed.

I get back to the lobby after completing the first of four rounds and the other clerk stops me and asks me if I can bring “these guests” up to 3119 because their keys were not working and she wasn’t sure why, but wanted to make sure that they were able to get in the room. I could not say no, it’s my job!

We get up to the third floor and there is the dreaded balloon sitting there, taunting me. I grabbed it up and proceeded to walk them to the other end of the floor. I watched as they tried their key and successfully entered the room. Exit stage left. Stairwell to the safety of the lobby for this girl.

I entered the first floor on the opposite end then when I went up so I had to walk the first floor and pass by the elevator. Anyone who has paid any attention to any elevator in the world (over exaggeration) knows that the light on the number indicates which floor the elevator happens to be on. If you remember, I took the elevator to the third floor, so logically the light should be on the third floor, right? Wrong!!!

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No lights at all! The third floor does not exist I guess. I noticed, when the guests and I were waiting for the elevator, that the lights totally skipped the third floor. I brushed it off because I didn’t even want to think about it. Now I had no choice but to dwell on it. Before you ask, YES the lights do work, generally speaking.

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Proof^^^

And before you think that maybe a bulb is out on the light for the third floor, I doubt it, you want to know why? Well because on the inside, it doesn’t light 3, and before you tell me “well duh”, the other freaking elevator has the same exact third floor darkness as this one!!!

I’m sooooo done with this place.