America’s Martyr: NO Race Mixing

Please someone tell me this is a hoax. This must be a prank. I’ve been “punked”… Where the hell is Ashton Kutcher? This can’t be real

I like to pretend

I like to pretend that everything is A-Okay. I like to pretend that my life is a cake walk and that things are easy breezy. This is not actually the case.

Let’s take a look into my life, shall we?

I am a full time mother of three rapidly growing boys. They are my driving force and reason for being. They bring my joy and heartache(when they are sad) and frustration when I feel like they just would rather not listen to me. It is hard as hell being a parent and it definitely doesn’t come with a rule book or blueprint. It is even harder when you are going through it mostly alone. But on the other side of the coin, I have been able to forge this unbreakable bond with these fellas that I hope will prove beneficial when they hit that “mom get out” age in life. I hope that we will continue to have open lines of communication and that they never feel like they’re missing anything when it comes to mother son relationship.

I am a full time student. I have been on this fairly exhausting journey as far as schooling is concerned. Although I only take two courses at a time, these courses have me constantly writing reading analyzing and composing. If you are a full time college student, you know what I mean. This is a whole life situation all on it’s own.

I work full time. I don’t just punch in, do my job and, go home. I have to actively seek contracts that fit my needs as far as flexibility and pay. I have to make sure that I leave a good impression at all times so that I can constantly receive contracts with companies. I have to actually do the work and sometimes this is a full day affair! Some field work has me on the road for hours and then the office piece is just as long, if not longer.

I try to make a presence on life in some sort of full time capacity and we all know how hard that can be.

Three full time things and a possible (Spades).. phew. I am tired

If you tried to add all of the man hours up and see how much time I actually spend parenting, learning, working and, blogging, tweeting, Instagraming and, Facebooking then you my friend are a brave soul! If you actually garnered a figure from all of this then you are a mathematician!  AND finally, if you have managed to find some “me time” in this equation then I really need your number because we need to talk!

((Ding Dong)) The Avon Lady

Yay my stuff came in!

I was so excited, I did a small photo shoot

This is my flawless and Magix naturals and nudes of course

I have samples of the Ideal Flawless in Light, Medium, and Deep Just let me know where to ship it!!

I have my Bug Guard Too! I can’t wait to go back out into the woods with the boys and not be eaten alive by the mosquitoes. I have discounts on this right now get them while they’re here!!

Enjoy you Summer Nights again!

Doers and Dreamers

I came across this on my twitter feed from Inc.Com. The article is titled “One Brilliantly Simple Hiring Question That Will Tell You Instantly If Someone Is A Dreamer Or A Doer” so of course I was intrigued. I am always on the hunt to find out more about myself and my level of drive. I get to the meat of things rather quickly and figured I’d answer that question. I mean, hell, I’m not really in an interview right?

“What are three things that you have not yet accomplished and would never forgive yourself for not having accomplished during the remainder of your life?”

Before you read on stop and make a mental list of those three things for yourself. Got them? Now read on.

That’s the question! It was a simple one for me. The answer is: Buy a house, travel the country in an RV, and get married again. I have three years left in my five year home buying plan and shortly after that (when I am able) I will travel the country with the man I plan to marry 🙂

Here’s the twist. It’s a follow up question. Ok, I know I said one question, but I wanted to set you up in the same exact way I’d set this up in an interview. I don’t want the candidate to know that I’m going to ask a follow up because it’s the answer to the follow up that I care most about.

Oh course there’s a twist! There’s always a twist!

Frankly, within this context, the three things they’ve listed are interesting but meaningless to me. Not because they’re unimportant, but because we’re all entitled to have whatever dreams of grandeur we want.  It’s the intentional strategies and tactics to achieve them that I want to hear about–that’s what tells me who someone really is, how well they deal with uncertainty, how sincere they are about their ambitions, and ultimately how innovative they are.

We can all dream; coming up with new ideas is simple. The world does not lack in dreamers, but some of us actually do something about those dreams. And, by the way, doing something isn’t just about making a decision, those are easy too; anyone can decide, but just because you’ve decided to start a business, become rich, get married, or have kids doesn’t make you an entrepreneur, a millionaire, a good spouse, or a good parent. It’s what you do after the decision that counts.

So here’s the follow-up question:

“Specifically, what have you done in the last 30 days to realize each of those three ambitions?”

Specifically…. I have been in the process of bringing by credit back to home buying status. Simultaneously I have been constantly working on myself as a person so that I am ready to be in an RV with someone for an extended period of time without ending up in handcuffs with a hefty sentence hanging over my head. As far as the male in this picture.. There is no planning to do there.. That will be when it will be.

What I’m looking for are specifics. If you respond immediately with actual tasks, projects, and measurable tangible efforts then I’m impressed. I want to see the numbers! How much are you doing? How often? If you have to think about it then I’m worried, because, after all, you just told me that these were the three most important things in your life and you’re not doing anything specific to realize them!! Really?

“Entitled people simply expect to be right, are regularly frustrated and blame others for their shortcomings, rarely take ownership of their actions, anger, temper, and reactions to others, have a short fuse and get exasperated easily, and are not transparent–in short they make lousy partners because they’re usually too busy arguing about who’s right rather than what’s right.”

Anything less than direct quantifiable and tangible effort to achieve these three ambitions tells me that the person I’m talking to lacks adequate discipline and self-direction. Most importantly it tells me that this is someone who isn’t accustomed to doing the hard work it takes to realize their dreams. Instead, they expect that just deciding on having the dream is sufficient. By the way, there’s a name for that, it’s called entitlement, and it’s the last thing I want from someone on my team, especially a senior level hire! I want them to know what it means to earn success rather than expecting it to be handed to them!

Did I make the cut as a doer or am I merely a dreamer?

I didn’t decide this! Today’s round table discussion

We sit at the table for every meal. That is the one thing that will always be. Having dinner as a family allows for better bonds and gives us a chance to catch up. Now, at this point in their lives they are not at the age where we actually need the “catch-up” time but it’s better to keep the habit than to try to forge it in the future.

Tonight at the round table the discussion centered on what they thought they had for concrete memories from their infancy.

Baby B says he certainly remembers a white gate surrounding him and his maternal grandmother holding him.

Baby A had no input.

Single Birth kid remembers the baby gate and me leaving him there. He was brought to tears when he tried to explain that he remembers me leaving him in the gated area and that he did not want to leave me at that time. He stopped there, apparently this was a very painful memory.

I explained to them that the gate was there because having three kids in diapers running around is not only chaotic but also dangerous. They would run around the house and attempt to pull everything down that was above their eye-line and within their reach. After all, someone had to cook dinner.

I was asked by Baby B why I chose him to be born last and I could hardly hold back the laughter. I tried to explain to him how when the doctors found the two heart beats and the two sacks and double everything, they had to label them A and B so that they could track the growth and development. He questioned why they didn’t take him out first anyhow just so he could be born first. I was lost for explanation but reiterated the labeling process and how it was just normal to remove A before B.. Alphabetical order!

I then retreated to the living room and opened the wall safe so that they could see and hold their certificate of live birth. This was when things got funny. They are reading and chatting about every bit of information on the forms. They are shocked that the doctors spelled their names right (they have a problem in school with correct spelling) I explained that this was the first time their names were spelled for them and the data clerks just put in the information that I filled out.

And then a screech!

MOM WHAT IS THIS?!?! I WE HAVE BEEN CELEBRATING MY BIRTHDAY ON JULY 2ND BUT THIS SAYS JULY 3RD!!!

HAHAA oh kid.. that’s just the day they entered/received the information for the certificate. Boy was he traumatized for like a minute. But could you imagine?!? Sometimes I think my birth year is off by one year!

Real story for you. I was up at my uncles house visiting with my aunt and my other uncle said something about birthdays and my mother said his to which he replied with a different date. She said she thought his BD was XX time and he said… So did I! but then I found out it was XX instead! OMG I would just flip.

She was lost and then this….

In November of 2009 my now ex-husband moved out. He left me! We had been dealing with, and not too well, marital stresses such as finances (I was a stay at home mom and wife), Infidelity (he loved ALL women) and, raising 3 children all of which were in diaper (the twins were born premature and are only 8 months younger than the first born).  He felt it was best that he moves out and leave me with all of the responsibilities of raising kids and taking on the home. I found myself lost and without any means of supporting children, a household or, any of the bills.

In that moment, that day I got the phone call of his departure, everything changed. Did I forget to mention that I was visiting my brother in the south when he called to tell me that he was moving out and leaving the children in the care of his brother’s girlfriend? Either way, I knew at that moment I needed to get my shit in gear.

I was introduced to independent contractor work through my sister. She was subbing for a company who transported laboratory supplies to various veterinary clinics in MA. She was looking to take on a bigger route and her route would be open and so I snatched it up. It was not a huge paying gig but it definitely helped out. That’s when I figured out that working and raising 3 kids was not going to be a breeze.

I felt like the world was crashing down on me at every turn during this time in my life. Any job I found came with hours and my kids did not come with built in childcare. I managed to get by with having my brother-in-law’s girlfriend watch the boys and the occasional dadsitter.

Those first few years were a nightmare and a blur.

I found it very easy to interview and get a great job here and there but then in popped my childcare struggles. Every time I had to leave a great position I felt like the rug was ripped out from under my feet and my kids and I would have to start all over again.  My most regretted departure was at a high-end makeup retail store that I worked at. As usual I start off at the bottom, I work my ass off and within months I was promoted to manager. After reaching the managerial level, that came with responsibilities and a huge salary increase, my childcare issues began. The live-in that I had decided that she was going to move to a new state, she was having issues with her boyfriend, my brother-in-law (also loved ALL women) and she found a new man. This man lived in Connecticut and she was moving in with him. I struggled to find some sort of child care, I searched high and low. I reached a wall and had to leave.

After leaving that position, I worked a few more, short lived, positions but I yearned to be my own boss. I wanted to make my own hours, never have to look outside for help, and be the creator of my own destiny. I needed to work for myself.

In walks Griffin Consult: I now make my own hours, work when I want and determine my fate. I sub for at least 3 companies at a time now and that is getting me through for now. My ultimate goal, however, is to build my consulting business and make Griffin Consult a household name.

I want to empower others, especially people that have gone through things that I have. I want them to know that they are the ones who determine their destiny. There is a way around everything you just have to find it.

I could think of no better way to do so than to join a proven company that does just that. I now have the ability to do the things I want. I can show people that although things make be difficult there is ALWAYS a path to greatness, to comfort, to living and not just existing as I was so long ago.

This is my story. What is yours?

Show your support by shopping with me or being a part of my story

You Know It When It Hits You

On May 15th 2016 my cousin died. The call I got was from my mother. I didn’t even say hello when I answered the phone. I lead with a joke about a picture she had sent me previously. It was until I heard the hurt in her voice that I pulled myself back into serious mode. Her were were “(he) killed himself”. I lost all breath. I didn’t know how to respond. I sat on the phone silent, searching for words. I fled to my fail safe, solid as a rock, rock solid self and asked her how she was, how everyone was. She said that my brother was taking it very bad. More silence. I just said. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do”. I don’t remember how the call actually ended.

I didn’t know it then, but I was sent straight into shock and there was no turning back.

I moved through the days and weeks living but just existing. I had lost all of “me”. I didn’t really understand but when you’re in the storm, I don’t think you are really able to see it.

I held up through the funeral but only physically, mentally I had checked out of the world. I believe it was my brains way of protecting me.

I got another call, at some point, that my aunt had died.  I was less effected y this call because I hadn’t seen her since I was about 9 and we really didn’t keep in contact. There was also that fact that this less than close to me death was over shadowed by the call I received that my aunt (that I’ve known all my life) had been rushed to the hospital. I hadn’t even processed that fact that her son was gone.

During this period of loss, I had let go of all drive and was suffering both mentally and financially.  But I was well unaware of this. I was still, just existing.

Thursday, June 9th I got the call that my aunt, the one that was rushed to the hospital, has lost her battle with cancer. I cried hard.  This was just far too much in such a short amount of time.

Friday, June 10th I realized that I was in a really horrible place in most aspects of my life but how did I let this happen?

When we are faced with such difficult times our bodies, minds and, souls take necessary precautions to protect us and help us through the rough time. My mind simply shut off, hit the panic button and locked all doors.

I now have a huge financial hole to climb out of because now I am awake. My aunts death woke my from the shock that my cousins death sent me into.

Now I want to do something to help those that are suffering mental illnesses such as depression. I want to do some community outreach  work that will benefit people that are suffering with depression or suicidal thoughts allowing them to know that there are people that can help and be a shoulder to lean on.

I know I can be a great asset to people in need because I know what it feels like to “exist” without existing and I know that there is a comeback from that, and I know that suicide is not the answer.

I created a t-shirt to show support for people suffering from mental illnesses such as depression. The proceeds will allow me to find my place in helping these individuals.

You can find it HERE

 

 

Untitled #FuckCancer

It was 25 days ago that I composed a post through tears of the loss of my cousin. I have not been over to re-read or alter or spell/grammar check or anything. I kind of fell into a state of fog that was heavy and consistent.

I threw myself into work and tried to fight back every tear that tried to force it’s way out of my body.

The next week, I got a call at 7 am that my aunt had lost her battle with diabetes and saw on Facebook that at least one blood related aunt from my father’s side of me had passed as well. I had pretty much checked out of personal CrazyTown and ran to the comforts of distracted CrazyTown.

I got a call earlier today saying that they had given my aunt, my cousin’s, who passed away, mother, just a couple days left to live. I had managed to get through a conversation with my mother and two cousins and quietly retreated to distraction mode.

But…. Just a few moments ago I got a call that my aunt had lost her battle with Cancer and my heart stopped beating. She’s not suffering anymore but even being the rock like strong person that I am, this is taking a huge fucking toll.

I told my mother that I was just going to go to bed and that I was not answering my phone so I hope that if someone asks her about me, she will relay the message.

It’s not that I don’t want to be supportive, it’s that I need to process and adjust and manage my heath and sanity before I am able to support another’s mental state.

“put on your breathing mask before assisting anyone else with their breathing mask” ~ Airplane rules.

 

Fire Flashbacks

We were on our way home from school when I first noticed the smell. It was unmistakable, I knew immediately that someone’s home was on fire. I was able to explain the difference between someone having a backyard bonfire and this aroma to my children. I held it together fairly well but inside I could feel the emotions of my own experience with house fires. The fire in my house, where I lost my father and sister, was 25 years ago but the smell of a home burning brings back the feelings as if the fire was yesterday.

I got the children safely to their destination and navigated myself back to the area of the blaze. I drove up the street  and the smell was all consuming. I got as close as I could without freaking out.

The flames were so high coming from this roof and the wind made me feel like the fire would surely last forever.

The smoke made for poor visibility around the neighborhood.

The entire block looked like this.

I can only hope that everyone made it out okay