On May 15th 2016 my cousin died. The call I got was from my mother. I didn’t even say hello when I answered the phone. I lead with a joke about a picture she had sent me previously. It was until I heard the hurt in her voice that I pulled myself back into serious mode. Her were were “(he) killed himself”. I lost all breath. I didn’t know how to respond. I sat on the phone silent, searching for words. I fled to my fail safe, solid as a rock, rock solid self and asked her how she was, how everyone was. She said that my brother was taking it very bad. More silence. I just said. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do”. I don’t remember how the call actually ended.
I didn’t know it then, but I was sent straight into shock and there was no turning back.
I moved through the days and weeks living but just existing. I had lost all of “me”. I didn’t really understand but when you’re in the storm, I don’t think you are really able to see it.
I held up through the funeral but only physically, mentally I had checked out of the world. I believe it was my brains way of protecting me.
I got another call, at some point, that my aunt had died. I was less effected y this call because I hadn’t seen her since I was about 9 and we really didn’t keep in contact. There was also that fact that this less than close to me death was over shadowed by the call I received that my aunt (that I’ve known all my life) had been rushed to the hospital. I hadn’t even processed that fact that her son was gone.
During this period of loss, I had let go of all drive and was suffering both mentally and financially. But I was well unaware of this. I was still, just existing.
Thursday, June 9th I got the call that my aunt, the one that was rushed to the hospital, has lost her battle with cancer. I cried hard. This was just far too much in such a short amount of time.
Friday, June 10th I realized that I was in a really horrible place in most aspects of my life but how did I let this happen?
When we are faced with such difficult times our bodies, minds and, souls take necessary precautions to protect us and help us through the rough time. My mind simply shut off, hit the panic button and locked all doors.
I now have a huge financial hole to climb out of because now I am awake. My aunts death woke my from the shock that my cousins death sent me into.
Now I want to do something to help those that are suffering mental illnesses such as depression. I want to do some community outreach work that will benefit people that are suffering with depression or suicidal thoughts allowing them to know that there are people that can help and be a shoulder to lean on.
I know I can be a great asset to people in need because I know what it feels like to “exist” without existing and I know that there is a comeback from that, and I know that suicide is not the answer.
I created a t-shirt to show support for people suffering from mental illnesses such as depression. The proceeds will allow me to find my place in helping these individuals.
You can find it HERE