Untitled #FuckCancer

It was 25 days ago that I composed a post through tears of the loss of my cousin. I have not been over to re-read or alter or spell/grammar check or anything. I kind of fell into a state of fog that was heavy and consistent.

I threw myself into work and tried to fight back every tear that tried to force it’s way out of my body.

The next week, I got a call at 7 am that my aunt had lost her battle with diabetes and saw on Facebook that at least one blood related aunt from my father’s side of me had passed as well. I had pretty much checked out of personal CrazyTown and ran to the comforts of distracted CrazyTown.

I got a call earlier today saying that they had given my aunt, my cousin’s, who passed away, mother, just a couple days left to live. I had managed to get through a conversation with my mother and two cousins and quietly retreated to distraction mode.

But…. Just a few moments ago I got a call that my aunt had lost her battle with Cancer and my heart stopped beating. She’s not suffering anymore but even being the rock like strong person that I am, this is taking a huge fucking toll.

I told my mother that I was just going to go to bed and that I was not answering my phone so I hope that if someone asks her about me, she will relay the message.

It’s not that I don’t want to be supportive, it’s that I need to process and adjust and manage my heath and sanity before I am able to support another’s mental state.

“put on your breathing mask before assisting anyone else with their breathing mask” ~ Airplane rules.

 

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