I came home and this happened.

I came home today at around 1 pm. I sat down in front of my computer because I was asked, by my paid bestie, to come up with a bullet list of  case types that I think I would be unable handle. I got about this far:

What types of cases will you not be able to work with?

I don’t know!!!

Little background.

I feel like I have been through so many things, that I can handle anything. I don’t think there is a case that will make me want quit the field. I have about a week to come up with something.

Although I was unable to think of case types that I can’t deal with, what did happen was a start to a memoir. I sat there for an hour and a half and wrote about 2000 words. I started from my earliest recollection, the fire, and stopped at the age of 18 when I met my now ex-husband.

I was kind of excited that I wrote so much that I posted on Facebook asking my English major friend if he was still interested in playing editor for me. He said “of course”…

So the ball is rolling again…. I think….

I decided to drop a rough, rough excerpt here so that I may possibly intrigue you into interest in the whole.

……I had gotten really tired of hearing all of things negative things and began lashing out on the world. I would fight in school a lot!  I wouldn’t fight because I was being picked on or anything directly connected to me, I would fight because my friends knew that I would fight their battles for them… I had never really got caught fighting so it was no big deal at the time. There was that skewed perception of helping others again. I did fight once for myself though, there was a girl in my class, Beth Black, that I had a phantom issue with. I would bully her and make fun of her daily. She eventually got sick of the mistreatment and decided that on that day she would stand up to me and for herself. She was unaware that I had brought a bottle of hard alcohol to school and was already infused with liquid courage. I got to class and did my usual bump into her, followed by a very sarcastic “I’m sorry”. I expected that she would just sit as she usually did, but this time she had, understandably, had enough. She turned to me and said “bullshit you’re sorry”.

 

Breaking up is hard to do…. AGAIN

Life! It’s funny how you move through the days, weeks, years, without thinking about the seconds that you are in. I have been living through the past two years and  have yet to figure out where the time has gone. My children are two years older, we’ve had 2 Christmas’s and celebrated 2 New Years.

My personal journey has been one that of growth. I have learned so much over the last two years. I am grateful of every learning experience. This blog has been around for some of it so you know that not all of those learning experiences have been positive.

I have finally reached a crossroads. Do I keep moving but not really, or do I cut my losses and actually move? I finally got the courage to cut my losses.

I’m completely resolute in my decision and this is just the first of many. I can no longer keep my life on hold waiting for people to catch up. Maybe they just don’t want to.

So it is officially official. Now to work on peeling apart these emotions that remain.

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Things Seen and Felt

What a day! Everything about this day is slightly odd. The beginning and the end of this day are what will be discussed tonight. I started this day by rolling out of bed and trying to get my fellas motivated for school(pep talks and what not). We gathered ourselves and headed out the door. I thought that I was in a rush to get my day going. This is because I had a lot on my mind and needed a distraction. Well… I found it! I was getting in my car after leaving the gas station and saw a guy that just couldn’t wait.

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He was ahead of me in the gas station and could not wait until he got home to roll his blunt! I was kind of shocked to see a guy rolling up right in front of the front door where the cameras usually are. I used the camera from the lock screen so that I could put the phone to my ear so he didn’t know I was taking a picture of him… Total invasion of privacy but you cannot assume privacy when you are in a vehicle.

This was distraction enough for me to head about my day with a mind less cluttered in MY reality. Half way to my first destination I was fortunate enough to see a bunch of fuzzy bulls.

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I don’t often get to see bulls (LMAO) I live in the city and usually keep my eyes somewhat on the road when I am working. These guys caught my eye because they were fuzzy! I assume it is because it is not yet warm enough for them to “shed” but then again, I don’t often see a gaggle of bull <—-correct my terms please!

AHH the softer side of manhood.

But the best thing that I say this day, besides my wonderful offspring, was THIS

yes!!!!!

This, my friends, is the score for my ROUGH DRAFT of my Psychology term paper! I guess you have got to be in college to know what this feels like, but I am (excuse my french) fucking elated! I do not have to rewrite this paper. I did a perfect first copy.  All I did was take draft of the copy and resubmitted it! I expected some sort of critique, something along the lines of not explaining the Stanford Prison Experiment thoroughly enough or being too vague explaining the Holmes Rahe assessment… Either way, I aced it and now let the celebration begin…. Where’s that bottle???

 

Broken Hearted

Three days ago I decided to become a volunteer. It is only Monday so I haven’t heard from any just yet but I am hopeful I will make the cut. I think the chances are good for a few reasons:

1. I am great with people, especially kids!

2. I have children and raise them well so I think that experience will be advantageous.

3.The system is so bogged down and overwhelmed, why would they ever turn away someone willing to put in the work for FREE!!!

Here is a piece of the confirmation email I received after contacting:

I am excited to learn that you are interested in becoming a CASA volunteer. As a CASA volunteer, you will be empowered to fight for the rights of children during the most vulnerable time in their young lives-a specially trained advocate, appointed by a judge, to ensure that each child is well cared for and able to have a safe, loving, permanent home.

Trust me when I say that this not completely a selfless act… I mean, what is that really. This is not like when I buy the guy behind me a coffee this one is also to my benefit.

They offer 30 hours of training for the work which is, in my opinion, a free college course. I will be able to get my feet wet. I will have already seen what it like to work with children so when the practicums come, I will not be sent into shock. Finally, I will feel good about being able to help out the system and the children that are in the system even if only at my entry level capacity.

Tonight, however, I was on the phone with him. He wanted to say good night to the boys (it’s kind of his thing) and as soon as we got on the phone we heard the sounds of, what my youngest called, a screaming monkey…. or, what my oldest called, a screaming goat! We laughed and laughed about the 3 year old who was less than happy on the south east coast.

They said their good nights and I took the call out of the room. We continue on with our chatter when I hear the young child scream “gimme my money!!! gimme my money now bish”…. my jaw dropped almost instantaneously. I gasp a little and then asked what the hell that was, just hoping I misheard. But no! I heard correctly and guess what….. He had a toy gun pointed in his face while the kid was screaming those words. I asked where the parents were and he mentioned living room. We had a small talk about how totally horrible we both thought this was and discussed learned behavior and mimicry.

This makes me worry for so many reasons!

Why the heck does this kid know those words? Did he see these actions on television or worse, in life? Why don’t the parents check that behavior and maybe consider a time out on toy guns? Is he in danger down there? What happens if the boy gets hands on a real gun?

This is exactly the reason why I wanted to go into law enforcement, why I thought being a PI was an interesting field for me, and why I decided psychology is what I need to be focused on, and exactly why I would love to volunteer for CASA.

People need to break the cycle; the cycle of violence, the cycle of teen pregnancies, the cycle of 8 kids by 5 guys!!!! None of which are even remotely good role models.

My heart broke over the phone tonight. I can’t wait to kiss my kids in the morning!

We are not focused on “gimme my money” #ourCurrentSituation

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I found this and thought I was a great teaching tool and affirmation and so, at night, we 4 read one each and in the morning we do it again. #DoBetter

 

Mood

Holiday Happiness.

I wonder is people get just as sad on holidays like Easter as they do on Christmas…

I have been through every holiday since the 4th of 2015 alone, as in: no adult counterpart, I have had my lovely little men to spend these occasions with and I think that plays a huge part in why I haven’t done very many destructive things.

This lack of adult counterpart thing is getting a little tiresome though. I sometimes wish that there were someone there to share the sense of Christmas accomplishment with. Someone to fall back in the bliss of finality to the joyful stresses of the season.

Now Easter has arrived and although this holiday is less of a stress, I still wish there were someone to breath a sigh of relief with.

I have placed that part of my life on hold and for now I wait to until my little monsters get home and we eat and share this holiday together as a family of 4.

Happy Easter

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Ahh Easter

I think last year, for Easter, I got the boys all sports themed things. Karate for the oldest, everything baseball for the youngest, and soccer stuff for the middle guy. This year I honestly forgot about the day coming so quickly so I had the rush the situation. It didn’t help that the ex has them this weekend and had forgotten as well.

Usually the boys spend Easter with their fathers side of the family. They do the egg coloring and dinner and whatever else they do to celebrate but because the ex forgot, and he is kind of not speaking with his family, he had not planned the usual.

I was on the hook for the whole thing! I didn’t find out until Friday morning but I think that I handled it like a champ. I ran out and grabbed all the food that I thought I would need (including an almost $60 ham!) and got to work.

I made an ice cream cake, spring themed

I wanted to make a cute set up for the day in question so I decided to party-up the table. I grabbed some basket favors from the dollar store. I filled them with grass and then filled them with malt eggs, jelly beans, warheads, and money.

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I didn’t want to spend as much money on “gifts” this year because I just recently spent a bunch of money on them so I went small on the baskets. I found a cute idea on Pintrest, pool noodle beach towel baskets. Filled them with candy and a stuffed bunny. I know, I’ve been trying to stay away from the stuffed animal thing but I needed something to hold the sunglasses.

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So there you have it…. Food is prepped, table is ready, and I am officially tired as hell.