I am composing this post in an altered state. This post will, more than likely, be deleted at some point but I find writing cathartic and really need to get this out so that I may possibly maintain my sanity.
I have gotten news that I really didn’t expect, want, or need. My cousin may have taken his own life. I am not quite sure how I should feel in this moment but I decided to opening figure out where approximately I am. I stole the stages of grief from PsychCentral because honestly, I really don’t want to break things down right now.
After reviewing the stages I have decided I am somewhere in the 1 &2. I am not in denial, I am too cynical to be in denial. Isolation on the other hand…. I want so bad to just turn my phone off and close this pc… But I also want to ghost scan the web for any information because I have very little of that. I am firmly set in anger though. I was pissed that I my mother called me crying, I was pissed that I found out that my brother called her crying, I am pissed in advance because someone will probably call my sister while she is driving from wherever she went this weekend, I’m pissed that my aunt is not doing well and that was her son, I’m pissed that my baby cousins made this discovery, I am pissed that I don’t know what to do when I usually know exactly what to do, I am just pissed.. I’m just so mad!!!!
I think the thing that makes me the most mad is that I have no rock, I am the rock! So when things like this happen in my world… It is just me! no one to help me through… I have never had the ability to go through all five of these stages. I get only to deal with 1, 2, and 5. And that makes me soooo freaking mad. Well world. I have let you in this far, but again, this will be deleted at some point… At least the venting part will be.
1. Denial and Isolation
The first reaction to learning of terminal illness or death of a cherished loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.
As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry.
Remember, grieving is a personal process that has no time limit, nor one “right” way to do it.
The doctor who diagnosed the illness and was unable to cure the disease might become a convenient target. Health professionals deal with death and dying every day. That does not make them immune to the suffering of their patients or to those who grieve for them.
Do not hesitate to ask your doctor to give you extra time or to explain just once more the details of your loved one’s illness. Arrange a special appointment or ask that he telephone you at the end of his day. Ask for clear answers to your questions regarding medical diagnosis and treatment. Understand the options available to you. Take your time.
The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control–
- If only we had sought medical attention sooner…
- If only we got a second opinion from another doctor…
- If only we had tried to be a better person toward them…
Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.
Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We worry about the costs and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words.
The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.
Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression.
Loved ones that are terminally ill or aging appear to go through a final period of withdrawal. This is by no means a suggestion that they are aware of their own impending death or such, only that physical decline may be sufficient to produce a similar response. Their behavior implies that it is natural to reach a stage at which social interaction is limited. The dignity and grace shown by our dying loved ones may well be their last gift to us.
Coping with loss is ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing.