Anger is a bitch. So am i.

I don’t know if I’ll ever move past these feelings. I know, eventually, I’ll feel less angry, less frustrated and a little more normal but for now I’m sitting in “i told you so” and “you should have listened”.

Here’s my problem… I think that, when i speak, people who I’m talking to must say in their heads “she think she knows everything” but what they fail to notice is that i rarely speak unless i  know EXACTLY what I’m talking about… Unless, of course, it’s to gain knowledge on something i don’t know. I’m rarely a bitch for bitches sake unless I’m extremely bored so when i come off as bitching it’s because i know what I’m talking about, you’re not listening and, eventually it’s going to effect me personally.

So my anger is because i bitched abd bitched for months and NO ONE LISTENED and now I’m stuck cleaning up a mess i tried, begged, screamed, to avoid.

It’s like telling someone, dude don’t park so close repeatedly until they inevitability hit something and hand you the bill.

Anyone who knows me knows I’m super reserved and only speak when i clearly need to.

Just an fyi, I’m gonna be in my feelings until I’m not. I will rant until such time as i feel whole again. I will get back to my serene place. I just wish i knew when. 

PEACE

Hold my hand

(Photo credit… Internet search😏)

I saw a young couple holding hands and couldn’t remember the last time I’ve done something so  intimately innocent. 

Do couples hold hands more often than not or is this a young( in age) couple thing. 

Kind of wanna hold hands with someone now 😂😂😂

Dump Trump

The battle is real! The president odd the united states of America tweets way too much, for me… But in that, he also gives us some real insider knowledge if you have any interest in a glimpse of the mind of a undiagnosed narcissist.

After bullying person after person, today he tweeted that people that are transgender are going to be disallowed to serve in the military.

Just look at who y’all voted for

Burning both ends

As hell week comes to a close (hopefully) i want to make this occasion by partaking in some open self reflection.

As you may or may not know (or care) i have been going through the most this July. I mean some serious ‘break you down down’  kind of stuff.

I feel like I’ve reached the summit. 

I have noticed something interesting about myself at this tumultuous time in my life. I have learned that i tend to go way beyond solution. 

For example: 

problem; new 500 dollar addition to an already skin tight budget.

Norm solution; pick up a couple extra hours

My solution; work day and night to meet, exceed, demolish, new bill

You may not see a problem with that but what you don’t see is that everything else has now been placed on the bank burner and will eventually overwhelm me leading to burn out and anxiety and a whole host of unneeded stress.

What i need is to find a balance and be okay with meeting and not always over achieving. I think i could benefit from a not so likeminded person to just say hey… Close your eyes and breathe. 

What i could use is that☝

Tuesday motivation, a friendly reminder

#tuesdaymotivation 

walked into cumberland farms and overheard the brotha in blue giving a youngster the most inspired pep talk. 

He shared part of his story and encouraged looking inward for happiness, that seeking it outwardly is simply a waste of time. 

I smiled as i made my way to the register. He reminded me of myself. I think i needed that reminder.

Could you imagine if we all spoke such positivity into each other. The need for self awareness is great in these times. 

Universal language

I seriously can’t wait until this period is behind me.

Dear universe,

I have certainly learned a lot this time and I’m fairly positive that i have mastered the ones that i seemed to have disregarded last time around.

Although, i have noticed that there are things that you place on my path that seem irresistible or a definite cure for boredom, i will not partake. I promise!!!

I just want things to settle back down now

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Beaching geese

I can’t do it… My kids love any body of water and i try hard not to impose my great fear of large bodies of water.

Do you see what i see? A couple of geese, a boat and people…. There is a guy fishing on the other! I could not put my body in that water!

This beach is not my speed

Sometimes it takes time. Grow through.

I can’t imagine there is a single person that can relate to how I’ve been feeling as of late.

I’m going through a wealth of unsettling emotions. I’m trying to acknowledge them and process through them.

It is definitely a period of growth for me and I’m trying to see it as such. I know I’ll get through all of the chaos and therefore i must be okay with taking the time to get through.

Doesn’t mean I  don’t constantly feel like taking off, lashing out or, being destructive.

What i won’t do is invite the storm cloud to hang over my head once again. 

PEACE 

We have twin tones but work ethics on opposition

Day 3

Well… In my last post i talked about my reset buddy and how she needed a gentle nudging or, a small lesson in respect your elders rather. Today…. She was partnered  up with another young duck. 

I was okay with that! I thought, for a second, that maybe i was too passive aggressive with her and almost felt bad but then she came to me to complain about her new buddy… I giggled… 

I tried to play it off like my day was going swimmingly but it was just a front, i knew i chose the right partner.

I was grouped with the other abundant in melanin people ( the store mgr is very melanin deficient) and we had a good, “it’s because we’re black”, chuckle which lasted 3.5 minutes and then i was completely over the group.

I was partnered with the “lead” who kept leaving for many reasons. .. No reason at all… I was done with the “it’s because we are black and brown”…. I was done with watching the other lady in the crew do nothing but talk!

It is not because you’re brown it’s because the mgr really couldn’t leave the two, that actually came to get the job done, working together.

So at first i was mad at my fair skinned choice but quickly changed that tune when our split resulted in actually catching up to the time frame to meet the deadline. 

But now… I feel like this guy
Ready to call it quits