Hello Everyone. I hope you missed me.

I am back! I had no choice, to be honest. What I am feeling cannot be consolidated into 140 characters. There is not a single photo that could even begin to capture my feelings. The Facebook post would most certainly fall on deaf ears.

I am having a problem.

I know there are a lot of you out in the world wide web have been in relationships, maybe more than one. I have been in 3. I was with my ex-husband from the time I was 18 until 28ish. The man that followed turned my world upside down. The man that followed that opened my eyes to the evil in the world.

My ex-husband is my ex-husband, we grew up together and face challenges on co-parenting and had been friends throughout this world.

The man that I met following the end of my marriage healed me. He truly opened my eyes to MY worth and made me stronger. He wasn’t supposed to be a 2-year thing; he was supposed to be a get back out there! because in 10 years, you kind of forget that the world exists beyond your family life.  This man was basically intensive therapy and he squashed a lot of anger and hate I had carried around the world with me. He showed me that when it came down to it, I could look beyond that pain and find light. You wouldn’t look at him and say; “yup, this guy will change you for the better”. He basically helped me find myself.

Then there was this. I had not had bad experiences in relationships, sadness sure, but nothing that would make me closed off and guarded going into future relationships. This one came out of nowhere and I believe will follow me around for the rest of my days. I believe this last thing has made me guarded and I feel as though I can never be open with another person ever again. I allowed someone into my world. This person is now known (to me) to have an undiagnosed mental illness. He has thrown my life into chaos and I find myself constantly trying to block attacks. He has threatened to make calls to child protective services, he has threatened to call my contractors, he has threatened to file monetary suit against me. All of these things can and will be batted down instantaneously but how does someone get it into their mind to try to destroy an entire family because they are angry that a relationship won’t work out? He went on a rampage that landed him in the hospital and placed in a mental institution of some sort because he thinks I went out of my way to purchase an iPhone to create accounts on the internet to mess with his head. Who has that much time? Not me! I have 3 kids, work with 3 companies and am taking 2 courses towards my degree. He thinks I was up all night tweeting him and that I had multiple google accounts in an effort to drive him crazy. He sent photos of Caucasian males and females saying it was me. He has directed me to twitter accounts that mass tweet things that are generally relate-able. He sent me a photo of a pair of male sneakers and said that was my house because the was in the background was eggshell in color.

I fight against the need to shelter myself from all things people but if you think about what is the point really? You start off as strangers and you find something that makes the person interesting. You begin to develop a bond with this person that you think you know. Now comes the sharing of information, information that you wouldn’t post as a status update and maybe even information that you wouldn’t even tell your blood relatives. Then things may become rocky. This is not only with “partner” relationships, this could be the case with any relationship. Now you’re like “why did I ever tell that person things that could be used to hurt me?” That’s where I am right now, like I wish I never met him at all! I let him in my home, he met my children, at one point I trusted this person with my freaking debit cards and checkbooks. And then I had to buy a safe. I had to count all the devises in my home. I had to shelter my kids from violence and then finally protect myself.

I was in the clear! I was free and then made the horrible decision of believing change had occurred. Unfortunately, I was just restarting the cycle. The moment that I saw this to be true, I managed to free myself once again. He flew south but I believed he would find help. This was not the case. After deciding a friendship would be the only relationship we had, the cycle continued. This time a little different. Now that I have finally stated clearly so that it’s completely understood, that I no longer wished to have any contact, I am getting threats. Threats to mess with my family, threats to mess with my business, threats to mess with my finances.

I have reached my limit with crazy. I had agreed that I would not seek legal assistance if he would simply leave me alone, but I don’t think he has. So I don’t think I can.

I just don’t understand how someone can actively choose to attempt to dismantle someones life just because they have hurt feelings. Seriously.

Mother Nature is as Bipolar as Him

Yesterday, I zipped around the city with my windows downish and my music loudish. I enjoyed the feeling of the sun on my face and the almost warm breeze that existed. The temperature was in the 50’s.

Today I bundle up to trudge through the probably 6 inches of Worcester hilly snow because I ran out of coffee.

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I was not angry or disappointed with having such nice weather yesterday and debating surviving on tea today. I expect that from Massachusetts. Mass never apologizes for it’s completely illogical approach to weather patterns and it never says that it won’t happen again. Massachusetts lives in its truth!

If you’re bipolar…. rock that shit! Don’t pretend like you’re not!

I need a drink!

Tomorrow the case comes to a “conclusion”. The months long situation I have been enduring regarding my narcissist  pycho/sociopathic ex, also known as the incarcerated, will come to a close tomorrow?!?!? Yes I have questions. I got a summon in the mail yesterday stating I was being called to court, I didn’t expect it but I was okayish with going. I then got a call from the DA’s office about the case and asking IF I would be in attendance. I thought the summon meant mandatory but in any case I told her I would.  When she said “concluded” I panicked. How so? She said “well you wanted him to get help with his anger, are you not okay with probation?” I totally blacked out and reiterated that I would be there but now I have a ton of questions… Like: Where will he be released to? I would rather him not probated in MA because that means he has to stay in MA, right? I don’t want him to come around me under any circumstances at all!! I guess, I will ask my questions tomorrow.

Meditative Madness

It is my second favorite time of the day. The first being, hanging out with, having conversations with, bonding with, the boys. It is now my time, my me time, time for a glass of wine and relaxation. The glass is less than half full so it will be time to hunker down in this rather large bed that is littered with objects that mask it’s size. I mask the size to avoid the want to sleep on the much small couch (what is the opposite of claustrophobia?).

It is almost time to turn on the sounds of nature or some chakra clearing tunes and walk through my own mind. Down the flight consisting of ten simple steps that bring me deeper and deeper into relaxation. It’s time to release the stresses and worries of the day to universe and invite the cleansing energy to flow through my body for the rest of the evening.

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My previous plan was to begin to compose a short story or sorts as I attempt to explain the mind of my certifiably psychopathic ex-boyfriend. I lived with this one for a year and have learned so much about personality disorders that I feel like it has become a detriment to my current psychology course. It has become this way because, normally after a lecture from a professor, you would go over your notes, read and reread the text, study, cram, and prepare. I, however, take little to no notes in class, instead I smile grimly because I “know what you mean, I’ve been there”. I haven’t even opened the text and as I previously stated in Thursday’s Date Night I got a 102 on my first exam. Stay tuned for that. I am sure I will be able to give you some incites and/or signs of caution.

By the way, he is still currently in the HOC and the next hearing is the 21st. I have (finally) informed my neighbors of the situation and that I will most likely be locking all entryways at night if and when he is released.

Time to clear my mind. I wish you the same in the way of relaxation.

Good Morning, Good Evening, Good Night My Loves