Hello Everyone. I hope you missed me.

I am back! I had no choice, to be honest. What I am feeling cannot be consolidated into 140 characters. There is not a single photo that could even begin to capture my feelings. The Facebook post would most certainly fall on deaf ears.

I am having a problem.

I know there are a lot of you out in the world wide web have been in relationships, maybe more than one. I have been in 3. I was with my ex-husband from the time I was 18 until 28ish. The man that followed turned my world upside down. The man that followed that opened my eyes to the evil in the world.

My ex-husband is my ex-husband, we grew up together and face challenges on co-parenting and had been friends throughout this world.

The man that I met following the end of my marriage healed me. He truly opened my eyes to MY worth and made me stronger. He wasn’t supposed to be a 2-year thing; he was supposed to be a get back out there! because in 10 years, you kind of forget that the world exists beyond your family life.  This man was basically intensive therapy and he squashed a lot of anger and hate I had carried around the world with me. He showed me that when it came down to it, I could look beyond that pain and find light. You wouldn’t look at him and say; “yup, this guy will change you for the better”. He basically helped me find myself.

Then there was this. I had not had bad experiences in relationships, sadness sure, but nothing that would make me closed off and guarded going into future relationships. This one came out of nowhere and I believe will follow me around for the rest of my days. I believe this last thing has made me guarded and I feel as though I can never be open with another person ever again. I allowed someone into my world. This person is now known (to me) to have an undiagnosed mental illness. He has thrown my life into chaos and I find myself constantly trying to block attacks. He has threatened to make calls to child protective services, he has threatened to call my contractors, he has threatened to file monetary suit against me. All of these things can and will be batted down instantaneously but how does someone get it into their mind to try to destroy an entire family because they are angry that a relationship won’t work out? He went on a rampage that landed him in the hospital and placed in a mental institution of some sort because he thinks I went out of my way to purchase an iPhone to create accounts on the internet to mess with his head. Who has that much time? Not me! I have 3 kids, work with 3 companies and am taking 2 courses towards my degree. He thinks I was up all night tweeting him and that I had multiple google accounts in an effort to drive him crazy. He sent photos of Caucasian males and females saying it was me. He has directed me to twitter accounts that mass tweet things that are generally relate-able. He sent me a photo of a pair of male sneakers and said that was my house because the was in the background was eggshell in color.

I fight against the need to shelter myself from all things people but if you think about what is the point really? You start off as strangers and you find something that makes the person interesting. You begin to develop a bond with this person that you think you know. Now comes the sharing of information, information that you wouldn’t post as a status update and maybe even information that you wouldn’t even tell your blood relatives. Then things may become rocky. This is not only with “partner” relationships, this could be the case with any relationship. Now you’re like “why did I ever tell that person things that could be used to hurt me?” That’s where I am right now, like I wish I never met him at all! I let him in my home, he met my children, at one point I trusted this person with my freaking debit cards and checkbooks. And then I had to buy a safe. I had to count all the devises in my home. I had to shelter my kids from violence and then finally protect myself.

I was in the clear! I was free and then made the horrible decision of believing change had occurred. Unfortunately, I was just restarting the cycle. The moment that I saw this to be true, I managed to free myself once again. He flew south but I believed he would find help. This was not the case. After deciding a friendship would be the only relationship we had, the cycle continued. This time a little different. Now that I have finally stated clearly so that it’s completely understood, that I no longer wished to have any contact, I am getting threats. Threats to mess with my family, threats to mess with my business, threats to mess with my finances.

I have reached my limit with crazy. I had agreed that I would not seek legal assistance if he would simply leave me alone, but I don’t think he has. So I don’t think I can.

I just don’t understand how someone can actively choose to attempt to dismantle someones life just because they have hurt feelings. Seriously.

Back Up… You’re Just too Close

I find myself in strange situations with this fella. Most recent being my attempt to help him yet again. I think my heart is just too big and I feel like everyone needs a hand every once in a while. I realize now that you can’t help people that are not ready or do not want it.

I should have learned to let go when I watched my children walk up the hill to school last week but that lesson went right over my head.

Today, however, I was told that I was lead to believe that a mental issue existed but in fact it was me who actually had the problem. Everyone can have their own opinion on another so that is fine with me. I will not be holding out the my hand in assistance any longer. I cannot help if you don’t even recognize that there is a problem. Let’s just keep in mind that I have been functioning in society and constantly growing and learning even if those lessons pass me by the first time.

I really don’t know why I allowed myself to invest so much of myself towards this situation, it just isn’t like me to do so. I normally recognize quickly when I’m beating a dead horse yet this one was long coming.

I think I was just too close to the situation to be of assistance and now I leave it in the hands of whomever can handle it. I didn’t get it at first when my paid Bestie told me, but I get it now… You just can’t treat friends and family.

I half assumed I’d feel some magnificent weight lifted off of my shoulders when I finally came to terms but this, too, is not the case. I feel burdened by the weight of things left unchecked and I feel like I should have been able to help out in some way. Paid Bestie just told me Thursday that I can’t save the world. But it doesn’t hurt less to fail in attempting with just one. I feel like I have a lot to learn and this is a driving force that will carry me all the way through my studies and into my career.

Disorder: Acute PTSD

Went to see my paid bestie today, like every Thursday.. She was late because she had to do a phone consult with a Doctor that could not postpone the consult any longer. I had my sick kid in tow so I was not put off by having a shorter visit. We arrive at the location and my mini me sat in the waiting room while she and I talked.

We started off by me explaining that I tried the whole “get things done without having it be a rush” thing and the feeling was the same as if I had waited until the last minute. I’m not sure if I will become less of a procrastinator or not.

We jumped right into talking about ways to approach talking to the boys about their new addition no longer existing. She assured me that I was doing the right thing in having the discussion sooner rather than later because, who knows how dad will break the news to them.

Somewhere between talking about my lack of procrastination and talking about the kids, she, either intentionally or not, kind of blurted out that she almost immediately labeled me as having acute PTSD.

I think this spillover may have been a way of gauging my reaction to being “diagnosed”. She may have wanted to see if I would completely fall apart with having a label placed in a permanent record with my name on it.

I learned, somewhere along the way, that it is wise to see how a client will react to talks about their diagnosis, to see if it will send them into a depressive state or have some sort of mental break. I think that it is entirely possible that PTSD could be something relative to me. I looked it up, of course, and found something on: ptsd.va.gov

My father and sister died in a house fire when I was 8 years old. I was there, I saw it ptsdhappen. I went through the “what ifs”….. all of them and the “why didn’ts……” fill in the blank with that one as well. I never slept in pajamas after that.

Days after, I was forced to watch Backdraft! Talk about adding fuel to the fire.

I had lost every material possession that I have ever had and two people I loved dearly and life just got harder from there.

Shortly after (like less than a month), my mother was in a new relationship. That was hell-of confusing for me, I’m sure!

We won’t address more than this just at this moment. I will let that sink in for you for a while before I unveil the rest of my life molding, PTSD causing, traumas.

Moving on. Through all of the things that I have been through. Here is a picture, I also behaviorfrom the .gov PDF .

Ok, ok… So I started drinking at like 11. I was drunk from 11-16ish. From 16-18 I was on a sort of path of passive suicide. I also started smoking at 11 and …. ehh… my health is fiiiineeeee (lmao)

I do avoid certain people AND situations. The most relevant type of person to the information that I have divulged would have to be heavy drinkers (I forgot to mention my father had downed a 30 pack of Budweiser the night of the fire) and home fire hazards…

So there you have it! I may have possibly been “diagnosed” with (as having) PTSD and I if I look at my life objectively I would lean in the same direction.