Hello Everyone. I hope you missed me.

I am back! I had no choice, to be honest. What I am feeling cannot be consolidated into 140 characters. There is not a single photo that could even begin to capture my feelings. The Facebook post would most certainly fall on deaf ears.

I am having a problem.

I know there are a lot of you out in the world wide web have been in relationships, maybe more than one. I have been in 3. I was with my ex-husband from the time I was 18 until 28ish. The man that followed turned my world upside down. The man that followed that opened my eyes to the evil in the world.

My ex-husband is my ex-husband, we grew up together and face challenges on co-parenting and had been friends throughout this world.

The man that I met following the end of my marriage healed me. He truly opened my eyes to MY worth and made me stronger. He wasn’t supposed to be a 2-year thing; he was supposed to be a get back out there! because in 10 years, you kind of forget that the world exists beyond your family life.  This man was basically intensive therapy and he squashed a lot of anger and hate I had carried around the world with me. He showed me that when it came down to it, I could look beyond that pain and find light. You wouldn’t look at him and say; “yup, this guy will change you for the better”. He basically helped me find myself.

Then there was this. I had not had bad experiences in relationships, sadness sure, but nothing that would make me closed off and guarded going into future relationships. This one came out of nowhere and I believe will follow me around for the rest of my days. I believe this last thing has made me guarded and I feel as though I can never be open with another person ever again. I allowed someone into my world. This person is now known (to me) to have an undiagnosed mental illness. He has thrown my life into chaos and I find myself constantly trying to block attacks. He has threatened to make calls to child protective services, he has threatened to call my contractors, he has threatened to file monetary suit against me. All of these things can and will be batted down instantaneously but how does someone get it into their mind to try to destroy an entire family because they are angry that a relationship won’t work out? He went on a rampage that landed him in the hospital and placed in a mental institution of some sort because he thinks I went out of my way to purchase an iPhone to create accounts on the internet to mess with his head. Who has that much time? Not me! I have 3 kids, work with 3 companies and am taking 2 courses towards my degree. He thinks I was up all night tweeting him and that I had multiple google accounts in an effort to drive him crazy. He sent photos of Caucasian males and females saying it was me. He has directed me to twitter accounts that mass tweet things that are generally relate-able. He sent me a photo of a pair of male sneakers and said that was my house because the was in the background was eggshell in color.

I fight against the need to shelter myself from all things people but if you think about what is the point really? You start off as strangers and you find something that makes the person interesting. You begin to develop a bond with this person that you think you know. Now comes the sharing of information, information that you wouldn’t post as a status update and maybe even information that you wouldn’t even tell your blood relatives. Then things may become rocky. This is not only with “partner” relationships, this could be the case with any relationship. Now you’re like “why did I ever tell that person things that could be used to hurt me?” That’s where I am right now, like I wish I never met him at all! I let him in my home, he met my children, at one point I trusted this person with my freaking debit cards and checkbooks. And then I had to buy a safe. I had to count all the devises in my home. I had to shelter my kids from violence and then finally protect myself.

I was in the clear! I was free and then made the horrible decision of believing change had occurred. Unfortunately, I was just restarting the cycle. The moment that I saw this to be true, I managed to free myself once again. He flew south but I believed he would find help. This was not the case. After deciding a friendship would be the only relationship we had, the cycle continued. This time a little different. Now that I have finally stated clearly so that it’s completely understood, that I no longer wished to have any contact, I am getting threats. Threats to mess with my family, threats to mess with my business, threats to mess with my finances.

I have reached my limit with crazy. I had agreed that I would not seek legal assistance if he would simply leave me alone, but I don’t think he has. So I don’t think I can.

I just don’t understand how someone can actively choose to attempt to dismantle someones life just because they have hurt feelings. Seriously.

Battle for Freedom

Abuse takes on many shapes and forms. It is sometimes harder to see when it is not of a physical nature.  I don’t yet know where it stems from for the most part, but I do know the feeling. I have been on again and off again in my most current relationship. Throughout this relationship, I saw all the signs of abuse. The mental, emotional abuse. The mind games that would keep someone sucked in and basically trapped. I saw this all and still my “helper bee” mentality thought it was my duty to help transform all of the pent up anger and rage into something other than what it was. I have finally realized that no matter how understanding and comforting I am, I am in no position to help. I have truly reached the end of the rope. I no longer to come to my home and feel the heaviness of negativity weigh me down like a ton of bricks. I can no longer be that shoulder to cry on or the wall that catches the all of the words. I will no longer accept an apology or a reasoning. Threats of suicide will no longer be my duty to quell. I have to remove myself from that for myself. I don’t want anyone to take their life using my name as a reasoning but I am no mental health professional and if you want to end your life then you should seek help in figuring out what the root of that problem is. I am done. I can try no longer.

I have lost some material possessions in this past year that are financially not replaceable immediately but will be eventually, I am more upset about the lost time. I lost a year. I spent a year trying to change the unchangeable. I spent year in my home because the drinking would be too tempting for you. I quit drinking myself so that you didn’t feel alone in the struggle , yet you were unfazed. It is more important for you to party with your must younger friends and wreak havoc on my psyche than it was to grow up and understand that that is not how life works. These children you play with have to gain parental consent to do most things and you should have saw that as a clue that you needed a new circle. I do not need that as a role model for the three young men that I am attempting to raise in a way in which socializing doesn’t consist of “popin’ mollys” and “smokin weed”, you are not that. I hoped that one day you would have woken up, but some people are just not from the same world. You enjoyed calling me a prude because of this rational; I accept that title. I wish nothing but the best for you. Good luck on all things.

This is going to be a really dicey week. I have to transition him out without causing a great deal of stress on the unit as a whole. I have to constantly battle with my feelings because I feel bad that he has no place to go and no funds to go with but I have to realize, myself, that I am more important, my kids are more important.