Match: Day 18

One more day people! I don’t know why I am so excited, I am not turning 13 or 16 or AAEAAQAAAAAAAAdVAAAAJGU0ODNiYTFhLTY5OWMtNGU3NC05Zjg1LTJhNTQ0ZDI5ZGQxMweven 21!

I keep seeing the Match.com ad on my Hulu stream and I was just about to text “FREE” to the number so that I can enjoy 7 days of free Match and find a boyfriend for my birthday… but I forget the number to text…

Oh Well… Back to the drawing board.

That was Quick. Open processing.

I just figured out what to do about my amazing opportunity for policing. This is a response to a text I received. I didn’t expect to come to a decision just yet but I am glad that I did. I still have a few days to process this decision and it will be heavily debated on Thursday. But so far I am so good with it

Text messages with **********************

I don’t know. I just think that everyone is how they are for one reason or another and if we can figure out why we do the things we do we can learn from them. for example, I used to fight a lot when I was younger. I always knew I was angry but just couldn’t give that anger a voice. It was just “acting out” I later (my delta friend and I) figured out that I was so angry because I couldn’t understand the death of my father and sister, I felt unheard by the world and especially my mother and I just needed someone to listen to me. eventually I forgave myself for all of the negative things I did in my youth and forgave all who I felt hurt by. I grew up, I finally became an adult at 28 lol. But now I allow others to cross lines and boundaries because I know that there is something deeper going on and I think I can be able to help in some way. hence the murderer. Literally just made my decision, I can’t be a cop, I have to be a psychologist.

I am a survivor. I will always be. That’s just me

It has been 34 days and so it is time to take inventory. Time to see where I was as compared to where I am.

On the 12th of July I went through some really rough stuff. It was an awful time. I went from working, to fighting to being threatened and kicked out of my own home. 5 cruisers and 1 “patty-wagon” later, he was removed from my home and that Monday I made it a permanent thing.  He said so many things during that time. The statement that stuck out the most was,  that I would never be able to make it without his assistance. Giving the danger of the situation in the moment I didn’t laugh, I couldn’t, I knew better. I know he said this because he wanted me to feel that as true, and therefore consider it as possible which would eventually force me into dependence. I think that must have been the drugs talking because he knows that in 2009, my now ex-husband and I separated. We didn’t just separate, we had been fighting and deciding that it was probably going to be better if we dissolve our romantic relationship, however, instead of making a plan of action, he decided, while I was in the south visiting with my brother and his new born baby, to move out. He didn’t inform me. He left our children with a sitter and moved out. I survived. It was difficult but I had no choice but to survive. I was previously a stay at home mother who hadn’t worked in over 5 years and had 3 kids that were all 3yrs old. I survived. I had no money, no car, no plan, no finances, no options, but I survived. I picked myself up and carried on. Got a job, guilted him into a down payment for a car and  moved forward.

When I met him I had already been through the trenches, now I was maintaining. I worked 2 jobs, day and night, seven days a week. I maintained my bills and home and kids. during our relationship, I switched jobs and did multiple things because he began to feel emasculated so I allowed him to share some of the lead. knowing full well that I had been through the toughest things I could imagine and survived. I didn’t mind working less but knew I could do what I needed to do. I survived.

So I guess looking at where I am today. I am currently taking a break from the world. I haven’t put much effort into anything but kids and school. It’s been a month! I talked to my therapist about my lack of motivation and she told me I was my toughest critic. She told me that I have actually accomplished a ton. I still don’t agree. I do what is necessary. I applied for a 4 year university which is apparently a big deal. I am just doing what I need. Doesn’t seem like a big deal to me, it’s mandatory if I want my bachelors degree.

I think I am ready now though, to end my break from reality, to pick back up and keep on chugging. To fold the socks!

I don’t know many people that talk about surviving domestic abuse. Abuse comes in many shapes and sizes. My form was mental and emotional. I was often told (not made to feel) that I was wrong in just about everything. I was often made to feel guilty for everything under the sun. I had the ability, however, to see that these things weren’t actual, he actually had the problem. I think where I got hit the hardest was the suicidal threats. I think somewhere in there I was unable to create the boundaries needed to know that he had a problem. I just didn’t want to be the reason he killed himself. Once I thought about it. Once I processed it out. I was ready to understand.

Get back on target. Even if the target if different

I am not new at this, why am I drawing a blank. I do homework on a regular basis but never this personal. Oh therapist why have you completely freaked me out?

My mission, before next week, is to compose a list of goals. Long term, short term, the whole spectrum. But somewhere, somehow, I have lost them all. I don’t know if this has anything to do with the ending of this toxic relationship or if I’m just completely drained for some other reason. All I know is I can think of nothing.

If I were asked a year+ ago, what my goals were, it would be simpler.

Become A cop, buy a house, eventually (by 35) be married and have one more child. And then I met a man and fell into the cycle of “doormat syndrome”. Any hope of becoming an officer in any capacity went out the door. How can one buy a house when anything saved is blown out the window in the form of marijuana smoke. I’m also very sure that it is still illegal to be married to two people at one time.

Now I wonder if this was some form of self sabotage. Could it be possible that I allowed myself to form a “relationship” with someone who would most certainly thwart all of my plans for the future? Was I really that scared of failing these goals? I’m not exactly unintelligent. Yeah, my grammar is awful and I have lots of moments where I hesitate to walk and chew gum lol but I can hold my own in conversations on a variety of topics. It must be the fear of failure. If I know it is not possible then I can’t fail because I haven’t even tried. If that makes any sense.

I guess this is something I may want to breach next week because I have never known myself to have a fear of failure, because I have never failed. But have I never failed because I’ve never done anything that could result in failure? Oh boy. I guess I have no other choice but to start again, find out what I really want out of life and hopefully have some safeguards in place, just in case I start to wander off the path I need to be on.

Let us start with the attainable, I would really like to get up earlier. I have been sleeping in until 8 or later most days and I would really like to adjust that to about 6. I feel like if I do that I will not feel like I missed the whole morning. I know it’s because I stay up until at least midnight watching the windows. I would like to get more exercise. This fits right into the getting up early goal. If I do one I can do the other. I would like to quit smoking. I am starting to see a clear set of prerequisites.  I want to get back to meditating. For now that is my short term/ immediately attainable goals. Some short term but takes to planning and preparation; I would like to take the kids on vacation. We go on day trips but they haven’t really been on vacation vacation. Heck, I haven’t been on vacation. They deserve it. They are excellent students and although they are very rambunctious, they are very well behaved and that should be rewarded. I want to move. This one is very new. My previous plan was staying put until I was in a position to purchase, but in light of my most recent drama, I’m thinking this probably isn’t the place to ride out my long term plan. I would like to I am going to get my human services degree. AND NOW I have psych masters on the brain. I am going to compare both the suggested colleges and see which one would fit into my plan of super therapist. I think therapy is one of the only other passions I have had, I really wasn’t that into massage, driving is okay but not my career choice. Post policing, helping through therapy is where I want to be. My long term goal hasn’t changed, I am going to buy a house. I started with a 5 year plan last March so I have less than 4 years to get my shit together. 

I am not into material things, so my car is fine and I will replace my broken TV but I really don’t have any material possession goals. I know that sounds weird after the house one, which at it’s core, is a material possession, but really I just want to have a place my children can call their own. Something they can grow, learn, and explore in. I want a huge back yard and pool. I want to have a place for them to come back to on college brake, a place to bring their families for Sunday dinner, a place for them to inherit. Really it’s a place to hold memories. I do not have any goals for future relationships. Not only because I just got out of one, but because when I think about a future partner I can only see what I DON’T want. I think until I figure out what I DO want I will not be on the market. That should have been the stance I took when I met him, but then I would have had no choice but to focus on my career, home and life goals. 🙂

Take a walk with me down memory lane

If I am ever going to make a semi-decent to good possibly great therapist, I must gather all the crap that I have built up inside of my sizable head and process it fully. I was in class this evening, The helping relationship: Delivering human services, and the professor wanted us to participate in an activity. She asked us to close our eyes and think of a concrete memory that we have from the ages 1-6. The problem is, I have only hazy memories of anything before the age of 11. There are a good chunk of memories missing from my youth to say the least. I think this is in large part due to the house fire that took the lives of my father and sister when I was eight years old. I think I somehow blocked everything out until I became comfortable with retaining memories.

The good news is, I have decided to seek therapy myself, as sort of a preemptive strike to inevitable future personal and professional road blocks. I meet my new, possible, therapist tomorrow and I am truly ecstatic. I can only attribute my excitement to my readiness to change major things in my life.

We also talked about the steady decline in interpersonal relationships due to the constant use of technology, mainly social media. It is almost embarrassing that I would much rather receive a text or an email rather than a phone call but I jump at the chance to meet for coffee and talk. I think this is more due to my insecurities of the sound of my own voice. It is not so much that I hate or even dislike my voice, it’s more of a conditioned insecurity that I haven’t deprogrammed. I have heard things like; “I didn’t expect you to look this way after our phone conversation” when meeting with perspective employers, and even bold “friends” who say I sound “white” on the phone. Either way, this is one of the deep seeded issues I will attempt to conquer through counsel.

I also would like to reach a state, or level if you will, of emotional control that I feel I need to be at. I think for now I’m am okay, I know my many faults and I try to work on them step by step but (there’s always a but) I think I could definitely do a better job at separating my ego from myself (if that makes sense). I tend to feel personally slighted when I am in the same space with someone and their main focus is their phone. I just don’t understand. Human interactions have become status updates and “pins”. Does anyone really get to know anyone else anymore? If so, once a certain level is achieved is it okay to fall off? How do people think that they can maintain relationships without communication?

We have lost a lot of the social aspects that we all crave and replaced it with screens. But don’t shut those screens off just yet, I am about to embark on a super secret special journey into my mind and I would love to share that journey with you.It is sure to be complicated and unnerving but thought provoking and maybe, just maybe, someone, somewhere will gain something from this along side me.

What Is In A Name?

Joy; that is my middle name. I think all of our names have meaning and significance. My middle name, for me, has been hidden from the world. I float back to it when I need to realize that, although life has it’s moments of sadness, I should be grateful for all of the blessings that I have been given.

My number 1 blessing for sure has to be motherhood, I have had a hell of a time with that one. This one needs not to be explained.

Recently, I happened upon another great. A talented, giving, adoring rock of a human. I think that sometimes we all fall prey to not noticing our blessings and I am of no exception. It is not until times are tough that I find myself viewing the mental images of those moments; moments of unadulterated joy.

I have been blessed for sure, throughout my life. I just have to be mindful at all times that this is true. I have to keep vigilant in order for this to remain the case.

However, no matter how heedful you may be, there may come a time when that which you hold the most stock in may cease to exist.  You are then left to ponder what happened. To that I say; your joy is not the only joy that must be preserved.

Joy is the highest energy of all… #quote #joy #jumpforjoy.

Finders Keepers

Found this so I thought I would share.

2.3.2011

Weird that reading, in the “green mile”, about a diary would prompt a sudden interest in keeping my thoughts out of my mind and on paper. Typically when starting a brand new “journal” I would go back and update everything that I could remember from today back. I won’t do that this time, this time is different. I clearly remember that I’m with **** and that **** lost two teeth. I know about the pending settlement and waiting to file taxes. I know and will always know that my job at **** sucks. No I won’t go back, my mind is clouded enough. Today was a long day indeed.

That’s it for now, to be continued.