Match: Day 18

One more day people! I don’t know why I am so excited, I am not turning 13 or 16 or AAEAAQAAAAAAAAdVAAAAJGU0ODNiYTFhLTY5OWMtNGU3NC05Zjg1LTJhNTQ0ZDI5ZGQxMweven 21!

I keep seeing the Match.com ad on my Hulu stream and I was just about to text “FREE” to the number so that I can enjoy 7 days of free Match and find a boyfriend for my birthday… but I forget the number to text…

Oh Well… Back to the drawing board.

I am a survivor. I will always be. That’s just me

It has been 34 days and so it is time to take inventory. Time to see where I was as compared to where I am.

On the 12th of July I went through some really rough stuff. It was an awful time. I went from working, to fighting to being threatened and kicked out of my own home. 5 cruisers and 1 “patty-wagon” later, he was removed from my home and that Monday I made it a permanent thing.  He said so many things during that time. The statement that stuck out the most was,  that I would never be able to make it without his assistance. Giving the danger of the situation in the moment I didn’t laugh, I couldn’t, I knew better. I know he said this because he wanted me to feel that as true, and therefore consider it as possible which would eventually force me into dependence. I think that must have been the drugs talking because he knows that in 2009, my now ex-husband and I separated. We didn’t just separate, we had been fighting and deciding that it was probably going to be better if we dissolve our romantic relationship, however, instead of making a plan of action, he decided, while I was in the south visiting with my brother and his new born baby, to move out. He didn’t inform me. He left our children with a sitter and moved out. I survived. It was difficult but I had no choice but to survive. I was previously a stay at home mother who hadn’t worked in over 5 years and had 3 kids that were all 3yrs old. I survived. I had no money, no car, no plan, no finances, no options, but I survived. I picked myself up and carried on. Got a job, guilted him into a down payment for a car and  moved forward.

When I met him I had already been through the trenches, now I was maintaining. I worked 2 jobs, day and night, seven days a week. I maintained my bills and home and kids. during our relationship, I switched jobs and did multiple things because he began to feel emasculated so I allowed him to share some of the lead. knowing full well that I had been through the toughest things I could imagine and survived. I didn’t mind working less but knew I could do what I needed to do. I survived.

So I guess looking at where I am today. I am currently taking a break from the world. I haven’t put much effort into anything but kids and school. It’s been a month! I talked to my therapist about my lack of motivation and she told me I was my toughest critic. She told me that I have actually accomplished a ton. I still don’t agree. I do what is necessary. I applied for a 4 year university which is apparently a big deal. I am just doing what I need. Doesn’t seem like a big deal to me, it’s mandatory if I want my bachelors degree.

I think I am ready now though, to end my break from reality, to pick back up and keep on chugging. To fold the socks!

I don’t know many people that talk about surviving domestic abuse. Abuse comes in many shapes and sizes. My form was mental and emotional. I was often told (not made to feel) that I was wrong in just about everything. I was often made to feel guilty for everything under the sun. I had the ability, however, to see that these things weren’t actual, he actually had the problem. I think where I got hit the hardest was the suicidal threats. I think somewhere in there I was unable to create the boundaries needed to know that he had a problem. I just didn’t want to be the reason he killed himself. Once I thought about it. Once I processed it out. I was ready to understand.

Keeping Myself Honest

There are a whole bunch of things that I omitted from my last, very bland post. You know the post about very vague movies that scream, “something is going on here”. If this is truly going to be an open book about me then I need to be open, so here we go.

Things I left out: For starters; I freaked out on the kids a little bit. I have been so overwhelmed with everything that has been going on that the huge amount of little things cause a meltdown. Every day, multiple times a day, I have to ask the boys to clan up their messes, put up their stuff, put things away, put you shirt on right, speak in indoor voices inside, and this list goes on and on. They have this great knack for throwing trash at the trash basket and leaving it laying on the floors, stuck to the walls and the whole nine yards. Lately I have found myself saying “In the trash, not around the trash” and today, after finding a ton of trash laying about, I freaked out, set a bunch of rules and stormed off like a child. I later apologized to them for being so harsh and tried to explain my bad mood in a calmer tone. Expressed how I have been feeling about their apparent “mom will get it” attitude and asked them to try and help out a little bit by just being mindful about their stuff. They seemed to get it.

I then realized that it has finally hit me that we, he and I, will no longer be an us. It is just me now, and I took that hard. I know it seems weird being upset about someone who has been so…….. unsettling, but I do miss him. I know I will get over it but for now I miss him.

I noticed that I have not done any studying what so ever for the midterm exam I had today. I haven’t even opened the book. I went to class today and noticed that everyone had large index cards used for cheat sheets for the test. I didn’t attend class last week, so I missed out on that bit of information. I do not know how I did, but I don’t think it was well.

I also had to break some very delicate information to someone today. It was emotional of course. (that’s not mine to share). It’s technically Tuesday, and I am still up. I know tomorrow will be better.

Get back on target. Even if the target if different

I am not new at this, why am I drawing a blank. I do homework on a regular basis but never this personal. Oh therapist why have you completely freaked me out?

My mission, before next week, is to compose a list of goals. Long term, short term, the whole spectrum. But somewhere, somehow, I have lost them all. I don’t know if this has anything to do with the ending of this toxic relationship or if I’m just completely drained for some other reason. All I know is I can think of nothing.

If I were asked a year+ ago, what my goals were, it would be simpler.

Become A cop, buy a house, eventually (by 35) be married and have one more child. And then I met a man and fell into the cycle of “doormat syndrome”. Any hope of becoming an officer in any capacity went out the door. How can one buy a house when anything saved is blown out the window in the form of marijuana smoke. I’m also very sure that it is still illegal to be married to two people at one time.

Now I wonder if this was some form of self sabotage. Could it be possible that I allowed myself to form a “relationship” with someone who would most certainly thwart all of my plans for the future? Was I really that scared of failing these goals? I’m not exactly unintelligent. Yeah, my grammar is awful and I have lots of moments where I hesitate to walk and chew gum lol but I can hold my own in conversations on a variety of topics. It must be the fear of failure. If I know it is not possible then I can’t fail because I haven’t even tried. If that makes any sense.

I guess this is something I may want to breach next week because I have never known myself to have a fear of failure, because I have never failed. But have I never failed because I’ve never done anything that could result in failure? Oh boy. I guess I have no other choice but to start again, find out what I really want out of life and hopefully have some safeguards in place, just in case I start to wander off the path I need to be on.

Let us start with the attainable, I would really like to get up earlier. I have been sleeping in until 8 or later most days and I would really like to adjust that to about 6. I feel like if I do that I will not feel like I missed the whole morning. I know it’s because I stay up until at least midnight watching the windows. I would like to get more exercise. This fits right into the getting up early goal. If I do one I can do the other. I would like to quit smoking. I am starting to see a clear set of prerequisites.  I want to get back to meditating. For now that is my short term/ immediately attainable goals. Some short term but takes to planning and preparation; I would like to take the kids on vacation. We go on day trips but they haven’t really been on vacation vacation. Heck, I haven’t been on vacation. They deserve it. They are excellent students and although they are very rambunctious, they are very well behaved and that should be rewarded. I want to move. This one is very new. My previous plan was staying put until I was in a position to purchase, but in light of my most recent drama, I’m thinking this probably isn’t the place to ride out my long term plan. I would like to I am going to get my human services degree. AND NOW I have psych masters on the brain. I am going to compare both the suggested colleges and see which one would fit into my plan of super therapist. I think therapy is one of the only other passions I have had, I really wasn’t that into massage, driving is okay but not my career choice. Post policing, helping through therapy is where I want to be. My long term goal hasn’t changed, I am going to buy a house. I started with a 5 year plan last March so I have less than 4 years to get my shit together. 

I am not into material things, so my car is fine and I will replace my broken TV but I really don’t have any material possession goals. I know that sounds weird after the house one, which at it’s core, is a material possession, but really I just want to have a place my children can call their own. Something they can grow, learn, and explore in. I want a huge back yard and pool. I want to have a place for them to come back to on college brake, a place to bring their families for Sunday dinner, a place for them to inherit. Really it’s a place to hold memories. I do not have any goals for future relationships. Not only because I just got out of one, but because when I think about a future partner I can only see what I DON’T want. I think until I figure out what I DO want I will not be on the market. That should have been the stance I took when I met him, but then I would have had no choice but to focus on my career, home and life goals. 🙂

Freedom of Choice NOT Freedom From Consequences

I am overjoyed that this day has finally come to a close. I felt like it lasted forever. It has been a long weekend for sure and it was very rude of the weekend to extend it’s stay until today.

I went down to the courthouse today to finally put a start to the end of the domestic abuse. I was more than nervous about the situation from the beginning and was forced into a quick step when I got a phone call early this morning from the district attorney’s office. She wanted to “gain some clarity of our relationship”. She wanted to know if I wanted him to get bail or be held. I told her I didn’t care whether or not he was held or bailed out because I was on my way to file a restraining order.

I dropped the boys off and walked over to the first day of the rest of my life. I went to the clerks office and asked for my freedom. I was overwhelmed with the paperwork, yet zoned out when it came time to write the affidavit. I wrote some much and noticed nothing. It wasn’t until the swirling black and white was broken by a advocate that I looked up from my writing. She asked me if she could help and I told her that I think I needed another sheet of paper. Unfortunately for me she said that the judge would rather have a summary. I didn’t understand that. How can you brief something so deep, so intimate? I did. I also listed on the back every single previous experience that we have had that came to my mind. The advocate went over my paperwork and pointed out some missed moments and walked me up to courtroom 14. While waiting, another advocate came up to me and wanted to walk around and talk about the situation and safety. I cried a little as we walked and talked. We made it back to the entrance to courtroom 14 and the assistant DA approached to ask even more questions. I had survived yet another round.

I sat in the back of the room a nervous wreck. I was so nervous because I didn’t know what was going to happen. How would I feel when they called his name? How would I feel when they called mine? What would he look like? I didn’t want to be there anymore. I wanted so bad to bolt. After what felt like an eternity passed, the judge said “In a few moments, we will be calling names, those individuals associated with those names will be moving to courtroom 24”. They spoke some names and then, they said my name! I almost passed out. They associated me with another man whose was in a similar situation (his girlfriend was seeking a restraining order as well). It was horrible having our situation debated for all to hear.

I was moved to another room , courtroom 24. It was so cold in that room. I felt like they intentionally froze it out. The judge was from a different district but the caseload of courtroom 14 was so great, they subbed out for assistance. He did what he could. I waited and listened to all of these cases. I was ready, at that moment I just wanted to get it over with.  I was in complete shock when the called a recess.

After the recess, back in the icebox I went… but the judge went home. I felt as though this was a sign. Was it a sign that I shouldn’t go through with it? Should I back out and go home and tolerate some more nonsense? Then I remembered the broken TV

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I remembered the ripped up check forged to him for $485. I remembered being tackled to the ground. I remembered being kicked out of my own home. I remembered the jump from the moving vehicle. I remembered the names and I remembered the pure evil that was him.

I brought myself to the new courtroom. Courtroom 15

They had their own cases, so we were pushed to the back of the list. I overheard the lady that calls the cases say “okay, take your break and then we will shotgun these contained”. After a short recess. It happened, they called 5 guys that were brought over from the house of corrections and one was him. He was the second name called. His lawyer called me over and asked if this was what I wanted. I said yes. Are you sure? Yes. So you’re going forward with this? YES. and then he walked away. The prosecutor called me to his side. I was so soft spoken that the judge had to keep asking me to repeat myself. I felt like I was in a tunnel. I was in a tunnel inside of the desert. My mouth was sticky and I couldn’t find my voice. I was shaking like a leaf. I glanced over at him once, just once. I heard his voice louder than ever before. I couldn’t breath.

“what would you like?”

I want a retraining order, I want him to go away, I never want him around me again.

It was done. He was held but could post bail. He is to stay away from me, my home, my children, my school, and any place I plan to work.

Cigarettes, wine, and fights

This happens to be the very first blog post for crazy town. My aren’t you lucky! I happen to be, well technically, 3 glasses of wine in. I also had this whole post already written but had to restart the computer and lost it all.

The subject of the, already written  three glasses ago, post was, undoubtedly, my lovely boyfriend. You see, yesterday I attempted to quit smoking(I know…YAY!) but failed… epically! I called him in the morning because I was sure he would be the one to give me the support that I needed to fight and beat the intense craving that was surely driving me mad and bringing me to tears. He, instead, chose to tell me about his wonderful caramel hot chocolate and cigarette he was enjoying one his break. I wanted so badly to hang up on him, but held my cool. Although I managed to finish out the phone conversation, immediately after it was over, my blood began to boil. I was furious! How could he be so evil? So I text him, pretty much those words, maybe slightly harsher. He apologized but I was still on fire.

I was definitely a tense night at my place that night but we got through. This morning though, this morning was a different story. I was reinjured somehow or another and decided it was best if I spent the night alone. This obviously was not his plan and he was very adamant about seeing me this evening.

We fought about the toxicity of our relationship and everything  between. The drinking is a problem. But that is for a later post because I am currently sitting here with a drunk boyfriend and this is a tricky hard to handle situation wrought with suicidal actions and usually ends with a friendly call to the police department.

Good luck and good night