I am not new at this, why am I drawing a blank. I do homework on a regular basis but never this personal. Oh therapist why have you completely freaked me out?
My mission, before next week, is to compose a list of goals. Long term, short term, the whole spectrum. But somewhere, somehow, I have lost them all. I don’t know if this has anything to do with the ending of this toxic relationship or if I’m just completely drained for some other reason. All I know is I can think of nothing.
If I were asked a year+ ago, what my goals were, it would be simpler.
Become A cop, buy a house, eventually (by 35) be married and have one more child. And then I met a man and fell into the cycle of “doormat syndrome”. Any hope of becoming an officer in any capacity went out the door. How can one buy a house when anything saved is blown out the window in the form of marijuana smoke. I’m also very sure that it is still illegal to be married to two people at one time.
Now I wonder if this was some form of self sabotage. Could it be possible that I allowed myself to form a “relationship” with someone who would most certainly thwart all of my plans for the future? Was I really that scared of failing these goals? I’m not exactly unintelligent. Yeah, my grammar is awful and I have lots of moments where I hesitate to walk and chew gum lol but I can hold my own in conversations on a variety of topics. It must be the fear of failure. If I know it is not possible then I can’t fail because I haven’t even tried. If that makes any sense.
I guess this is something I may want to breach next week because I have never known myself to have a fear of failure, because I have never failed. But have I never failed because I’ve never done anything that could result in failure? Oh boy. I guess I have no other choice but to start again, find out what I really want out of life and hopefully have some safeguards in place, just in case I start to wander off the path I need to be on.
Let us start with the attainable, I would really like to get up earlier. I have been sleeping in until 8 or later most days and I would really like to adjust that to about 6. I feel like if I do that I will not feel like I missed the whole morning. I know it’s because I stay up until at least midnight watching the windows. I would like to get more exercise. This fits right into the getting up early goal. If I do one I can do the other. I would like to quit smoking. I am starting to see a clear set of prerequisites. I want to get back to meditating. For now that is my short term/ immediately attainable goals. Some short term but takes to planning and preparation; I would like to take the kids on vacation. We go on day trips but they haven’t really been on vacation vacation. Heck, I haven’t been on vacation. They deserve it. They are excellent students and although they are very rambunctious, they are very well behaved and that should be rewarded. I want to move. This one is very new. My previous plan was staying put until I was in a position to purchase, but in light of my most recent drama, I’m thinking this probably isn’t the place to ride out my long term plan. I
would like to I am going to get my human services degree. AND NOW I have psych masters on the brain. I am going to compare both the suggested colleges and see which one would fit into my plan of super therapist. I think therapy is one of the only other passions I have had, I really wasn’t that into massage, driving is okay but not my career choice. Post policing, helping through therapy is where I want to be. My long term goal hasn’t changed, I am going to buy a house. I started with a 5 year plan last March so I have less than 4 years to get my shit together.
I am not into material things, so my car is fine and I will replace my broken TV but I really don’t have any material possession goals. I know that sounds weird after the house one, which at it’s core, is a material possession, but really I just want to have a place my children can call their own. Something they can grow, learn, and explore in. I want a huge back yard and pool. I want to have a place for them to come back to on college brake, a place to bring their families for Sunday dinner, a place for them to inherit. Really it’s a place to hold memories. I do not have any goals for future relationships. Not only because I just got out of one, but because when I think about a future partner I can only see what I DON’T want. I think until I figure out what I DO want I will not be on the market. That should have been the stance I took when I met him, but then I would have had no choice but to focus on my career, home and life goals. 🙂