It has been 34 days and so it is time to take inventory. Time to see where I was as compared to where I am.
On the 12th of July I went through some really rough stuff. It was an awful time. I went from working, to fighting to being threatened and kicked out of my own home. 5 cruisers and 1 “patty-wagon” later, he was removed from my home and that Monday I made it a permanent thing. He said so many things during that time. The statement that stuck out the most was, that I would never be able to make it without his assistance. Giving the danger of the situation in the moment I didn’t laugh, I couldn’t, I knew better. I know he said this because he wanted me to feel that as true, and therefore consider it as possible which would eventually force me into dependence. I think that must have been the drugs talking because he knows that in 2009, my now ex-husband and I separated. We didn’t just separate, we had been fighting and deciding that it was probably going to be better if we dissolve our romantic relationship, however, instead of making a plan of action, he decided, while I was in the south visiting with my brother and his new born baby, to move out. He didn’t inform me. He left our children with a sitter and moved out. I survived. It was difficult but I had no choice but to survive. I was previously a stay at home mother who hadn’t worked in over 5 years and had 3 kids that were all 3yrs old. I survived. I had no money, no car, no plan, no finances, no options, but I survived. I picked myself up and carried on. Got a job, guilted him into a down payment for a car and moved forward.
When I met him I had already been through the trenches, now I was maintaining. I worked 2 jobs, day and night, seven days a week. I maintained my bills and home and kids. during our relationship, I switched jobs and did multiple things because he began to feel emasculated so I allowed him to share some of the lead. knowing full well that I had been through the toughest things I could imagine and survived. I didn’t mind working less but knew I could do what I needed to do. I survived.
So I guess looking at where I am today. I am currently taking a break from the world. I haven’t put much effort into anything but kids and school. It’s been a month! I talked to my therapist about my lack of motivation and she told me I was my toughest critic. She told me that I have actually accomplished a ton. I still don’t agree. I do what is necessary. I applied for a 4 year university which is apparently a big deal. I am just doing what I need. Doesn’t seem like a big deal to me, it’s mandatory if I want my bachelors degree.
I think I am ready now though, to end my break from reality, to pick back up and keep on chugging. To fold the socks!
I don’t know many people that talk about surviving domestic abuse. Abuse comes in many shapes and sizes. My form was mental and emotional. I was often told (not made to feel) that I was wrong in just about everything. I was often made to feel guilty for everything under the sun. I had the ability, however, to see that these things weren’t actual, he actually had the problem. I think where I got hit the hardest was the suicidal threats. I think somewhere in there I was unable to create the boundaries needed to know that he had a problem. I just didn’t want to be the reason he killed himself. Once I thought about it. Once I processed it out. I was ready to understand.