Maybe it’s the wine, but I felt the need to write to him. I know considering the circumstances I can’t actually speak to or write to him, so here it is
I know you can’t respond to this but this has obviously been a trying time in my life and yours. I just don’t really understand a lot of things that occurred that night. I really don’t get why it was that you did what you did. I can’t imagine that this was solely alcohol related. I feel like there was drugs involved. I hate that you didn’t just choose to move on instead of being so violent. I don’t get how you could choose to disregard any relationship that you may have developed over this time with my boys. I am so hurt by all of your actions, especially because I explicitly told you that anything adverse would be no longer acceptable. I just don’t get it.
As you may remember, have changed many things in my life in order to make a better life for the boys. I sat on all of that for about a month. Every time you are brought up in conversation, I feel a deep sense of pain and I can’t stand it any longer. I need to forgive you and move on. I really haven’t figured out how to do that but I will.. You know that..
I loved you so deeply. I wanted so much to be where we wanted to be that I somehow compromised my self-worth in order to get it. I know now that, that was wrong. I feel [partially to blame for our current situations because I allowed you to have so many chances. I guess I couldn’t get past the name.
The part I feel so guilty about is that I don’t know who knows you’re locked up. I don’t know if it’s even possible for you to get out. I don’t want you to suffer but I don’t want to suffer either. I want to tell someone but I don’t know who to tell. I wish we could have been something totally different from what we turned out to be. I don’t hate you. I forgive you.