Freedom of Choice NOT Freedom From Consequences

I am overjoyed that this day has finally come to a close. I felt like it lasted forever. It has been a long weekend for sure and it was very rude of the weekend to extend it’s stay until today.

I went down to the courthouse today to finally put a start to the end of the domestic abuse. I was more than nervous about the situation from the beginning and was forced into a quick step when I got a phone call early this morning from the district attorney’s office. She wanted to “gain some clarity of our relationship”. She wanted to know if I wanted him to get bail or be held. I told her I didn’t care whether or not he was held or bailed out because I was on my way to file a restraining order.

I dropped the boys off and walked over to the first day of the rest of my life. I went to the clerks office and asked for my freedom. I was overwhelmed with the paperwork, yet zoned out when it came time to write the affidavit. I wrote some much and noticed nothing. It wasn’t until the swirling black and white was broken by a advocate that I looked up from my writing. She asked me if she could help and I told her that I think I needed another sheet of paper. Unfortunately for me she said that the judge would rather have a summary. I didn’t understand that. How can you brief something so deep, so intimate? I did. I also listed on the back every single previous experience that we have had that came to my mind. The advocate went over my paperwork and pointed out some missed moments and walked me up to courtroom 14. While waiting, another advocate came up to me and wanted to walk around and talk about the situation and safety. I cried a little as we walked and talked. We made it back to the entrance to courtroom 14 and the assistant DA approached to ask even more questions. I had survived yet another round.

I sat in the back of the room a nervous wreck. I was so nervous because I didn’t know what was going to happen. How would I feel when they called his name? How would I feel when they called mine? What would he look like? I didn’t want to be there anymore. I wanted so bad to bolt. After what felt like an eternity passed, the judge said “In a few moments, we will be calling names, those individuals associated with those names will be moving to courtroom 24”. They spoke some names and then, they said my name! I almost passed out. They associated me with another man whose was in a similar situation (his girlfriend was seeking a restraining order as well). It was horrible having our situation debated for all to hear.

I was moved to another room , courtroom 24. It was so cold in that room. I felt like they intentionally froze it out. The judge was from a different district but the caseload of courtroom 14 was so great, they subbed out for assistance. He did what he could. I waited and listened to all of these cases. I was ready, at that moment I just wanted to get it over with.  I was in complete shock when the called a recess.

After the recess, back in the icebox I went… but the judge went home. I felt as though this was a sign. Was it a sign that I shouldn’t go through with it? Should I back out and go home and tolerate some more nonsense? Then I remembered the broken TV


I remembered the ripped up check forged to him for $485. I remembered being tackled to the ground. I remembered being kicked out of my own home. I remembered the jump from the moving vehicle. I remembered the names and I remembered the pure evil that was him.

I brought myself to the new courtroom. Courtroom 15

They had their own cases, so we were pushed to the back of the list. I overheard the lady that calls the cases say “okay, take your break and then we will shotgun these contained”. After a short recess. It happened, they called 5 guys that were brought over from the house of corrections and one was him. He was the second name called. His lawyer called me over and asked if this was what I wanted. I said yes. Are you sure? Yes. So you’re going forward with this? YES. and then he walked away. The prosecutor called me to his side. I was so soft spoken that the judge had to keep asking me to repeat myself. I felt like I was in a tunnel. I was in a tunnel inside of the desert. My mouth was sticky and I couldn’t find my voice. I was shaking like a leaf. I glanced over at him once, just once. I heard his voice louder than ever before. I couldn’t breath.

“what would you like?”

I want a retraining order, I want him to go away, I never want him around me again.

It was done. He was held but could post bail. He is to stay away from me, my home, my children, my school, and any place I plan to work.


3 thoughts on “Freedom of Choice NOT Freedom From Consequences

  1. I am so happy you went through with it. I am also sorry that you had to go through such a difficult situation but this just makes you that much stronger. Love you girlie!


    • Awe thanks Love! I and glad I went through with it as well. I know that tougher times may come but all in all, it’ll be worth it in the end. I can already feel the guilt or “empathy without boundaries” (therapist term) slowly growing inside of me. I find myself thinking about how he’s doing without anything and in just an A-shit aka wife-beater(how ironic)


  2. Pingback: Keeping Myself Honest « 1crazytownlane

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