Battle for Freedom

Abuse takes on many shapes and forms. It is sometimes harder to see when it is not of a physical nature.  I don’t yet know where it stems from for the most part, but I do know the feeling. I have been on again and off again in my most current relationship. Throughout this relationship, I saw all the signs of abuse. The mental, emotional abuse. The mind games that would keep someone sucked in and basically trapped. I saw this all and still my “helper bee” mentality thought it was my duty to help transform all of the pent up anger and rage into something other than what it was. I have finally realized that no matter how understanding and comforting I am, I am in no position to help. I have truly reached the end of the rope. I no longer to come to my home and feel the heaviness of negativity weigh me down like a ton of bricks. I can no longer be that shoulder to cry on or the wall that catches the all of the words. I will no longer accept an apology or a reasoning. Threats of suicide will no longer be my duty to quell. I have to remove myself from that for myself. I don’t want anyone to take their life using my name as a reasoning but I am no mental health professional and if you want to end your life then you should seek help in figuring out what the root of that problem is. I am done. I can try no longer.

I have lost some material possessions in this past year that are financially not replaceable immediately but will be eventually, I am more upset about the lost time. I lost a year. I spent a year trying to change the unchangeable. I spent year in my home because the drinking would be too tempting for you. I quit drinking myself so that you didn’t feel alone in the struggle , yet you were unfazed. It is more important for you to party with your must younger friends and wreak havoc on my psyche than it was to grow up and understand that that is not how life works. These children you play with have to gain parental consent to do most things and you should have saw that as a clue that you needed a new circle. I do not need that as a role model for the three young men that I am attempting to raise in a way in which socializing doesn’t consist of “popin’ mollys” and “smokin weed”, you are not that. I hoped that one day you would have woken up, but some people are just not from the same world. You enjoyed calling me a prude because of this rational; I accept that title. I wish nothing but the best for you. Good luck on all things.

This is going to be a really dicey week. I have to transition him out without causing a great deal of stress on the unit as a whole. I have to constantly battle with my feelings because I feel bad that he has no place to go and no funds to go with but I have to realize, myself, that I am more important, my kids are more important.

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One thought on “Battle for Freedom

  1. Pingback: Keeping my feelings in Perspective « 1crazytownlane

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