If I am ever going to make a semi-decent to good possibly great therapist, I must gather all the crap that I have built up inside of my sizable head and process it fully. I was in class this evening, The helping relationship: Delivering human services, and the professor wanted us to participate in an activity. She asked us to close our eyes and think of a concrete memory that we have from the ages 1-6. The problem is, I have only hazy memories of anything before the age of 11. There are a good chunk of memories missing from my youth to say the least. I think this is in large part due to the house fire that took the lives of my father and sister when I was eight years old. I think I somehow blocked everything out until I became comfortable with retaining memories.
The good news is, I have decided to seek therapy myself, as sort of a preemptive strike to inevitable future personal and professional road blocks. I meet my new, possible, therapist tomorrow and I am truly ecstatic. I can only attribute my excitement to my readiness to change major things in my life.
We also talked about the steady decline in interpersonal relationships due to the constant use of technology, mainly social media. It is almost embarrassing that I would much rather receive a text or an email rather than a phone call but I jump at the chance to meet for coffee and talk. I think this is more due to my insecurities of the sound of my own voice. It is not so much that I hate or even dislike my voice, it’s more of a conditioned insecurity that I haven’t deprogrammed. I have heard things like; “I didn’t expect you to look this way after our phone conversation” when meeting with perspective employers, and even bold “friends” who say I sound “white” on the phone. Either way, this is one of the deep seeded issues I will attempt to conquer through counsel.
I also would like to reach a state, or level if you will, of emotional control that I feel I need to be at. I think for now I’m am okay, I know my many faults and I try to work on them step by step but (there’s always a but) I think I could definitely do a better job at separating my ego from myself (if that makes sense). I tend to feel personally slighted when I am in the same space with someone and their main focus is their phone. I just don’t understand. Human interactions have become status updates and “pins”. Does anyone really get to know anyone else anymore? If so, once a certain level is achieved is it okay to fall off? How do people think that they can maintain relationships without communication?
We have lost a lot of the social aspects that we all crave and replaced it with screens. But don’t shut those screens off just yet, I am about to embark on a super secret special journey into my mind and I would love to share that journey with you.It is sure to be complicated and unnerving but thought provoking and maybe, just maybe, someone, somewhere will gain something from this along side me.